All the small things

I was just thinking how a lot of things I do and think about or decide on come back to this POF journey that Jeff and I are now on and the chance at having a family someday. I hate my job right now and I'm on the border of quitting. I get discouraged at the thought though because I think how will we save more money for donor IVF or adoption if I'm making less money. But then I think of how it can't be healthy for my body to be under this kind of stress all the time. The doctors have never been able to determine the cause of my ovarian failure was autoimmune but I have a feeling that it is and stress just makes autoimmune things worse generally.

I wonder what it would be like to just have kids the "old fashioned" way also. To just picture these future kids that are like both Jeff and I. To not have to save thousands of dollars for the chance at having kids. What would it be like? I don't ever think of having kids that will look like me. A friend made a comment about how Jeff and I wouldn't be able to have short kids if we tried (since we're both over 6 feet tall) and I just bit my tongue and rolled my eyes since he's aware of the ovarian failure and donor egg stuff. I mean who knows what the other half of this kid could be like. I don't play a genetic role in that at all. I know that people just don't understand what that means but it frustrates me still.

Then I have a friend who works for LDS Family Services with birthparents and adoption. I asked her about openings and applied but then I started thinking...how would I be in that capacity? Would I help or hurt the situation? Would it be beneficial or hurtful to me? I started reading stories on her blog the other day and just felt tearful and depressed. I don't see how I could find this a less stressful option then I'm already in. Social work, or at least the options I work with or used to consider a good match, just don't fit me anymore. All because of this new outlook and position I'm in. Nothing seems to be going right anymore.