Sometimes after all the work and desire we put into getting the girls here I wonder if I am at all entitled (prob the wrong word) in having frustrations with them. Today was a rough day for whatever reason. We were stuck in all day with rain and then it began snowing and Jeff was home late from work. I got cranky and tired and the girls were also cranky. We weren't a good match for each other. I generally find myself just frustrated with feeling unable to care for two kiddos at the same time. But I will admit too I get frustrated with Seren's colic...it always seems to hit at bedtime and sometimes she can cry and scream for hours. I feel so bad for her but it's difficult too. It is also hard too during the day to be alone with them (thus the feelings of shortcomings with myself). Especially if they both get to crying at the same time and it's not due to hungry tummies (the easy thing to fix). I do love them so much though and wouldn't trade a million sleep filled nights for the time we will lose sleep with them. I adore our daughters and I love to watch them grow and discover things around them (Kendall is obsessed with her feet lately and Seren is so cheerful and social when she isn't cranky with gas).
Anyway I think that being infertile and finally being granted your wishes doesn't mean you can't have off days too. You rarely if ever hear or read of someone in our shoes complaining or saying it's tough. But just because we fought to get here doesn't mean things are simple and easy now. I just think that honesty should be put out there. I hope I don't upset anyone who is still trying or in the midst of diagnosis or anything else. Believe me I am grateful every day that we have such beautiful kids and each other together to raise them. It is a huge blessing and my heart is so full of love for them. It amazes me how much I can love them when there is no apparent ability for them to even love me back at this point. I finally kind of understand how my mom would say I couldn't understand how much she loved me until I had kids of my own. She was right.
2 comments:
Hey Michelle... I've lurked for a while, but this post moved me to respond. I've got six month old DE twin girls, too. And BOY do I EVER understand your feelings/frustrations... this is f-ing hard work! And I often feel ill-equipped, behind the moment, like a mess. One of my girls had horrible reflux and now has feeding aversion. So, believe me, I get your feelings of anxiety/failure.
What a journey filled with highs and lows, right? I'm still working through lots of "stuff" related to my IF, POF/DOR, boatloads of BFNS and DE. A lot has changed in my life and marriage.
If you are interested, I'll send you my e-mail address. I don't blog anymore, but I'm always out here reading. Let me know.
Do you visit the Network 54 boards?
~ E
Hey E...
Thanks so much for your response. It's been better days but just hearing someone who relates to this feeling made me teary eyed still. Thank you. I hope your daughter is or will do better with eating soon. It's frustrating to not be able to help them as much as you want to. I haven't heard of the Network 54 boards. I would love an email address...any network of support with this "different" experience is great :) Mine is M D r a p e r 8 0 @ g m a i l . c o m (without the spaces of course). Thanks again :)
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