First ultrasound and 7 weeks

We had our first ultrasound today so I thought I'd give a short update.  Everything went well and we are happy/excited with the result.  I tweaked a nerve in my back though so I've been ultra lazy today trying to get it to feel better.

Head count: 1 little beaner stuck... We are so relieved.  We would have worked it out with two but one is less daunting for sure.

Notes from appointment: Beaner has a heartbeat of 167 BPM.  Measuring 7 week 1 day.  I'll try to upload a picture later

Cravings:  Crispy chicken burrito (cream cheese, green chilis, chicken....mmmmm good), fries, potato chips; not a good start to a pattern of cravings if you ask me.

Symptoms:  I don't think I'm going to luck out on this one (I had no real ick with the girls).  I have been increasingly feeling nausea here and there since last week.  I mostly get nauseous at night or when I'm hungry.

Next visit:  March 4th with our regular ob/gyn

I love donor egg...

The parenting, the experience, the whole kitten caboodle.  I know sometimes I have gripes about feeling disconnected from society and from women who conceive with their own eggs.  But I really love where we are, how we got here and that we get to do this again.

I started using a pregnancy app with chat groups recently.  Truth be told I only browse the infertility treatment and the pregnant after IVF/IUI boards.  So I have come across a few women with egg issues considering donor egg.  One I've been emailing back and forth with for a few days.  It has both helped me to remember why we are here and all of the incredible positives that are a part of donor egg.

I love being able to share this rainbow at the end of a storm like infertility and letting women know that it's often successful or at least still gives hope when you think you have none.  That it isn't the end of their dreams but hopefully a great beginning to them.  I love learning about epigenetics and thinking on how I believe it played a part in our girls appearance and development.  I am so grateful that there are women who even think to do such a selfless act to donate eggs to those of us who want the opportunity.  I know some may do it for money but I think the great majority are truly in it for the service because there so much more involved that isn't convenient or fun to do.  I am so grateful that a woman I'll never know and who will never know me made this possible.

I'm grateful to have the girls I do.  I hope I never say anything that lessens their worth to me.  They are everything and more to what I hoped my kids would be like.  And not just with donor egg but my whole life before infertility hit.  They are perfect.  They are so beautiful and so thoughtful and just amazing to watch and learn from.  I think re-entering this experience has taught me even more so to enjoy the blessings I have and the opportunity I am given.

Love My Girls...

They are the best.  They have really come into their own with vocabulary and speech.  I love to hear them talk.  I love to listen to the sweet things they say.  We were going to split up yesterday and Jeff was going to take them to play at the indoor playground while I went grocery shopping.  Instead both girls kept saying "come with us mommy" and Seren pouted saying "I won't leave you.  I promise" and other such sweet things that made it impossible to not join them.  Our fridge is suffering today but it was worth it.

Kendall says the funniest things.  I wish I could remember them all.  Her favorite expression is "oh my goodness" with a little sigh.  She picks up on things I wish she didn't as well.  I am learning to watch my expressions even if they aren't exactly curse words.

My favorite thing with Seren lately is calling Kendall "my friend Kendall".  She'll ask "where's my friend Kendall".  I love that sister is the secondary label for Kendall and that friend comes first.  Hope it stays that way for a while.

I Shot Myself...

Despite having numerous needles stuck in me over the course of infertility treatment, medical testing and donating blood I still have no fondness for them.  I'm not terrified of them but I can't watch when somebody sticks me.  It's a good thing PIO shots go on behind the scenes (literally haha).  Jeff has a work trip for a couple days next week.  So although it was tempting to drag the girls down south with him where it's slightly warmer we discovered I had to drive on my own and obviously would be spending most of the time solo with the girls in the hotel or other random places to entertain them.  Not really my idea of fun.  So I am staying home with the girls and responsible for my own stickings.  I've never done one before.  We've probably done around 90+ PIO shots now and I've been lucky to never stick myself.  I decided last night I'd better practice.  You know in case I'm a total woose and have to change my plan and make the drive.  Well I'm proud to say it came off without a hitch.  I didn't dare stab myself like a dart the way the clinic teaches you but a quick slide in of the needle and it was done.  Yeah for me!

I'm still feeling really good.  The hives haven't returned.  I still don't feel pregnant or sick and nothing is sore.  I'm freezing cold most of the time so I live in sweatshirts and take more warm showers than I should with winter and dry skin.  I still have mild bloat and no spotting to remind me that this is really happening.  I crave olives, eggs and homemade guacamole hit the spot the other night.  I am back to really wanting a deli sandwich too (like I did with the girls)...tell me I can't have something and it's all I want I guess.  Other than these things though I am feeling completely normal.  A little less than two weeks until the ultrasound now.  Still praying for one and still a little scared it's two.  We'll be happy and manage either way just know that of course one road would be easier than the other.

Not So Great Timing...

My best friend suffered a miscarriage at 15 weeks in September of last year.  They knew for several weeks before that the baby was at a high risk for miscarriage or birth defects and at minimum heart problems and surgeries at birth.  They had tests done for chromosome and genetic testing and found out it was a boy and gave him a name.  Unfortunately at a follow up appointment with the specialist the baby didn't have a heart beat.  I had been watching their daughter for them to attend this appointment and was one of the first people to hear the news.  We cried together.  I put a reminder in my phone for her due date.  I wanted to make sure I remembered them and their baby that day.

We had our failed FET cycle the following month in October.  We had started the process before we knew of their loss.  I told her about it just prior to our transfer when the subject of more children came up.  She was one of few people that knew about the cycle and one of the first people I text the news of the negative result.  She was very supportive of us also.  We prepared for another round amid their "waiting" period to be able to try again.  Shortly after our failed cycle her mom was diagnosed with breast cancer.  They put all energy and focus on this and said they didn't want to have a pregnancy to worry about on top of this.  Talk about having your plate full.  

Anyway, during this cycle she watched our girls the day we had the transfer since we were still keeping it private from Jeff's family.  She was supportive and would ask how I was feeling.  Even with the positive home tests I wanted to keep it to myself...some normalcy until the blood test result was in.  Then as the reminder for the beta test came up so did my reminder about their due date, which was four days after our beta results.  I felt bad telling her.  She said she was excited for us and was supportive again.  Then we were texting a few days later and she mentioned they should be having a baby this week.  I told her I remembered and how sorry I was.  I told her how I still hoped we would be on the crazy pregnancy train together again (our girls were born two months apart with our first pregnancies) and she said she did too, that they were trying again but this month wasn't the winner.  

Infertility and loss are such a messy place to be.  Just like our pregnancy with the girls I didn't want to share both out of my own fear and out of worry for her feelings.  I guess we were lucky the first time to share the news so close together despite being a couple months apart.  Now all we can do is to keep hoping they will be making an announcement of their own soon.

And despite trying not to be a worry wart you can't really help but be one after the things you read online and from other bloggers, not to mention all of the friends in real life who have had losses and scares.  I really hope that we are blessed with a smooth pregnancy.

Beta Bets

First beta at 10dp5dt was 303.  Second beta was today 12dp5dt and came in at 723. So a little more than doubling within 48 hours.  We are still hoping for a single even though numbers are on the border for twins (Jeff says they are leaning towards two in his paranoia haha).  Ultrasound is a little over two weeks away.  Anyone want to take bets? or ease anxiety? (or cause some ;) haha)

Not Feeling It...

I'm good at keeping secrets.  I really am.  So I hope Jeff will let this one slide since the only real life family or friends that read this is my parents.  And since they now know I figure it's only fair to let my online support group in on it too.  So far so good.  According to a few different home pregnancy tests everything was successful.  I am pregnant.  And I definitely am not feeling it so every one of those tests is like "really?" "are you sure?" for me.  I have a little bloat and I'm typically cold all the time but nothing else is new.  I didn't feel very different with the girls either so I guess I shouldn't expect much.  And honestly I hope it goes down the road I had with them...easy pregnancy with no morning sickness, no blood pressure problems, etc.

How pregnant?  Well I dared to test 4 days post transfer and it came up a few minutes later...so we're a little worried about it being more than one.  Only time will tell.  Also, we should have beta results tomorrow (two days earlier than planned).  Since my hives came back the nurse wants to check my hind side and clear me to keep using this oil prescription.  Honestly I'm not sure I'll have hives to report.  I seem to be back in the clear with the new leave the needle in, quickly take it out and wipe area down with an alcohol swab method.  But am I going to pass up an earlier test?  Heck no. So yeah!! for now.