Thoughts on IVF and ART (resources)...

In regards to disclosure:
I have definitely discovered in talking more about infertility in my real life that there are many people I know who have some infertility issues themselves.  I don't discuss the donor side of things due to my personal thoughts on that related to the girls but I make it no secret that IVF was a part of them getting here.  Heck even when strangers ask me "were they a surprise?" or "what side of the family do twins run on?" I tell them "nope they weren't.  We had some help" and if it goes further (it usually doesn't) I tell them it was IVF. 

This happened over the past weekend.  I went to a baby shower with my good friend L and the twins stayed home with Jeff.  L likes to bring up to people that I have twins when they aren't in tow.  I guess so I don't feel child-less or something when others bring their babies or talk baby.  It doesn't bother me (her mentioning it).  Anyway this shower was primarily people I didn't know with the exception of L and the mom-to-be.  L brought up the twins and one of the older ladies said something like "I bet that was surprise".  I said that it wasn't and that we had some help to which she gave a somewhat blank look so I added it was through in-vitro (ie IVF).  Nothing more was really said other than how much work and how much fun it must be. Afterward L said she really was surprised and kind of thought I put myself out there for discussion (not that this was bad thing just I think she is a little protective in her eyes).  She said that these people were so wrapped up in themselves though that nobody really cared to ask more.  I didn't really think of it that way, although it could've been true.  Honestly IVF and ART are so common place these days that I don't think most people bat an eyelash when they are mentioned.  

IVF and ART in general: 

Although common I also believe IVF and ART methods are grossly misunderstood or uneducated on.  Unless you've been there you don't really know what goes into it.  But of course most people also know not to ask such personal questions beyond those above or similar ones.  

Sadly most people don't understand what assistance can be given prior to the "last resort" of IVF either.  A family member has gradually been asking me more and more about our path to children.  Nothing in depth really but more in regards to the possible success of it and the cost of it.  I had an idea he was considering this as an option for he and his wife.  He brought it up in that way the last time we talked and I asked if they had done any testing yet (it didn't sound like it) and suggested there were also other things to be done before IVF was considered generally.  It sounded like this actually surprised him.  Which surprised me.  I assumed that most people even considering IVF had pursued or at least were aware of other less expensive options first.  Of course I also assumed that when others pursued IVF that they were aware of national success rates of clinics being available and posted (I also discovered this assumption was incorrect when my best friend from high school told me their first clinic was one that doesn't report to the CDC or SART  (not sure why) but it was the only one they knew of; when my friend's first IVF attempt with this clinic failed they were told they had 0% chance of conceiving.  They have since gone on to get pregnant with twins twice and have 3 living children and 1 angel through IVF with ICSI ; bite it crappy clinic).  Seriously??  I just feel like the medical community or the basic educational system is doing a great disservice to infertile couples.  How can doctors diagnose a problem like infertility and then leave their patients to flounder in a diagnosis they don't know how to deal with or which routes are available to them.  Why are the resources and information not given to people dealing with this?  

When I was officially diagnosed with POF/POI by my ob/gyn I had only been married for a little over a month.  But my doctor (bless her) suggested clinics in the area that could help us if we did decide to pursue things.  She recommended one based on her own experience.  So thank goodness I went to someone who had an idea of what it was like to go through infertility and what resources I might need.  I had to research and find a POF/POI support group and here, a PVED support group (I hope it's still at this address...I know there have been some changes) and SART and clinic success rate sites myself but at least I was given a stepping stone for hope.  It just infuriates me that some are not and don't know what is available, both for treatment of infertility and treatment of health and mental health problems that infertility can cause. 

Goodness that turned into a tangent....ooooops (kind of).  Anyway the point I am getting at is that IVF and ART are not things to be ashamed of in most circles and that when we keep being ashamed of them it just adds to that taboo (I was nervous and a little embarrassed to talk about them at first).  And that we need to empower ourselves, others and expect the medical community to empower us also when it comes to infertility.

6 Months Old

**these mile marker posts are primarily for me (I definitely do not expect anyone to read or comment).  I keep this blog more as a journal for myself (and now the girls).  I  feel like someday my daughters may enjoy being able to read their story too**

Holy Cow! Where has the time gone?  They are officially a 1/2 year old.  They have changed so much and it's exciting and kind of sad at the same time. 

Weight:  No official measurements.  Our 6-month appointment has been pushed back to almost 7-months due to job and insurance changes.  My at-home estimates would be: Kendall and Seren weigh around 14.5 to 15 lbs and Kendall is 27 1/4" and Seren is 26 3/4" 

Eating:   They eat about 6 oz  every 3 to 4 hours.  Sometimes they eat more before bedtime (maybe just a growth spurt thing).  We also give them solids 2-3 times a day...typically breakfast or lunch (sometimes both) and bedtime.  Usually we give them cereal after their bedtime bottle.  Seren loves to share ice water now.  We will be drinking and she will look up like "hey I want some of that" and then she slurps at the edge of the cup.  Kendall likes this okay but I don't think she's a fan of the cold.  I'm still making baby food for them and this is going well.  I have the basics in freezer storage and need to try some new stuff. 

Foods They Like:  Carrots, Peas, Green Beans, Apples with cinnamon (not so much plain), Sweet Potatoes, Parsnips, Pears and cereal (we switched this to baby oatmeal recently due to constipation issues with Kendall)

Foods They Don't:  Peaches, Kiwi, Turnips, Bananas (still trying on these)

Favorite Things:  They still love each other.  They hold hands pretty frequently  and still suck each others hands on occasion.  They suck on their toes now too (Seren mostly).  They love dancing and both giggle at being danced around the living room.  They like the dog.  They stay awake more now so it's more fun and challenging to entertain them (usually one long nap in the morning and a couple short ones later on).  We now have a double jogging stroller that I think they enjoy.  They like music (we danced them to Flo Rida's "Low" song and they thought it was a riot...later it became a soother to both and put Seren to sleep for a couple nights; we have since banned it as neither of us like hip-hop and don't want to start a trend).  Kendall loves to play with our faces, mouth and teeth now.  They like the "superman game" that we picked up from the O family on Jeff's side.

Dislikes:  Being hungry and tired.  I was thinking they might be starting to teeth (at least Kendall) but now I think the cranky days and mid-night wake ups are from growth spurts or such.

Their Accomplishments:   They both do excellent at tummy time still.  They are starting to "stiff arm" prop themselves up higher.  Kendall now rolls both ways easily and sometimes across the room (getting frustrated when she runs into things and can't go anymore).  Seren has still rolled over only by accident and doesn't like to.  She is pretty mobile without though and doesn't seem to be slowing in efforts to learn crawling.  They are both starting to move their legs and try to get them under them.  Seren is still very social and laughs a lot more now.  Kendall is more social and smiles a lot more now and laughs.  They like playing "getcha" now and being tickled.  We practice having them sit up and they are doing better at this also. Kendall can almost tri-pod sit.

Our Accomplishments:  Nothing really new. We are keeping up with a routine of sorts for them which seems to help.  We still have our house listed.  Bedtime routine is really helping too.  We take them out to eat with us occasionally.  We also try to fit in date nights.

Sleep:  Bedtime routine is pretty great.  We bathe every other night usually, sometimes every couple of nights.  We feed them a bottle and cereal around 8 or 8:30, change into pajamas and then put them down.  We then have one parent sit in the rocking chair with both of them while the other reads a story or two.  They still enjoy a little singing at times but not every night.  They have been sleeping 10+ hours a night consistently now...YEAH!! (with the exception of occasional cranky wake ups)

DE Mom musings:  I was surprised that both girls were born with blue eyes.  I didn't think this was geneticly (statistically speaking) possible.  There was a very strong brown eye history with the donor and a lot of hazel on Jeff's side I believe; mine are blue.  I do realize that they may be changing some and Kendall seems to be turning more greenish or hazel.  I still hold out hope for Seren to be a little blue eyed girl (not that it really matters).  Also I am happy to see Kendall is a definite red-head...also a recessive gene (no sign on the donor's side; occurring on Jeff's side and on my own).  I'm not really crediting any play of actual genetics to my side (that would be impossible) but it is still interesting to me and makes me wonder more about epigenetics.  Sorry nothing more in depth on 'musings' this time around.

* I am adding in the 'DE Mom musings' as a try-out.  I think it will be interesting for me and if anyone does skim just to see how one might feel month to month or day to day about this aspect*

These dresses were the first outfit I bought them when I first found out we were having two girls

*my cousin took these adorable photos for her photography business*

We each have a journey...

I'm not offended (I don't think...okay a little but not at specific people...just the idea of it).  It's been an interesting and/or rough week for one reason or another.  Of course it's true that life does not become a piece of cake once you have a child or children. I am still infertile (no I'm not previously infertile;  I'm definitely without a doubt pretty much sterile).  Infertility changes your life and your perspective and the life and perspective of your spouse (therefore the makeup of your relationship) and who knows who else.  It's not like pregnancy or children just remove everything that lead up to them.  And yes I'm happy about having children.  Do you honestly want me to keep living and blogging like this wonderful side of my life hasn't happened?   How I ironically take birth control even though I don't need to prevent anything because nothing is going to happen?  Do you want me to keep blogging about how I hate pregnant women?  Honestly I still don't really like the ones that get there easy...but then I realize and tell myself I don't know how they got there.  Sometimes I still have envy of those that get pregnant from a roll in the hay instead of handing over their bank roll.  Heck...guess what infertiles...sometimes I get jealous of those that have been pregnant on their own even if they lost the child.  At least you have some shred of hope that you can conceive on your own.  I can't even do that.  But do I feel spite at you or even seemingly regular pregnant women for it...no.

But seriously, no matter what side of the fence we are on with infertility we all have our journey.  Some are shorter and some are longer.  Some start out on the path to one destination and end up in an entirely different location at the end.  We don't all have the same issues.  We definitely do not all have the same path.  How boring would that be or painful or agonizing.  Because yes there are infertile stories that I read and think how I'm grateful I wasn't there or on my journey to kids for several years (3 years was enough thank you).  But life's journey doesn't just stop at having kids either.  And life's journey is not just all about having kids.  We are all going to have hardships and difficulty and joy and happiness that are not even related to this infertile story we all have to tell.

It just reminds me of an article (a series of articles) that I read the other day about the writer (a woman/mom/worker) who was berated because of complaints she made against her babysitter.  People were ruthless against her and her choices in parenting and her ideas and lifestyle.  And what it boiled down to for her was that each of these people had their choices and lives and she respected (or said she did) theirs so her thought was..."We're all in this 'club' together, so why are we not each others' greatest cheerleaders?".

And that's what I think of the complaints from one infertile blog I've read this morning (and others I've read like it in the past).  We are all infertiles.  Having children does not make us fertile.  Having struggles to have children and other circumstances makes us infertile.  It's not like you leave the club or get kicked out (at least I would hope not but after my readings maybe you do) when you are lucky enough to have kids.  Whatever side of the fence we are on doesn't determine our level of support or empathy or understanding for one another.  Does it?

I keep up on various blogs.  I skim many infertile blogs but  I do keep my perusing to a select circumstance usually (I don't have all day to read blogs).  So yes I usually read blogs from other POF/POI gals with my same diagnosis, to women who are using or contemplating use of donor eggs, to women pregnant from donor egg and to mothers of donor egg children.  I want to be able to champion and support those who are still working towards children, I want to be able to cheer for those on their way and I want to learn from those who are in a similar situation or steps ahead in the journey from me.  I realize that some obviously feel and think differently than I do...once again wouldn't it be boring if we didn't.  So I don't expect people to keep me around if I don't fit into their criteria for blog reading but for hell's sake don't bitch me or other infertiles out for being lucky enough to have children and for enjoying them (we may still be some of your 'cheerleaders').

Momma Birds...

I recently put a hummingbird feeder out in our backyard.  Anyway...when I was out replacing the "nectar" I heard little chirps from above.  Come to find out we have a little bird nest in our tree.  Robins to be exact.  I got our ladder out and snapped a few pictures while the momma bird was away.  I'm hoping to catch some further pictures as they get bigger and develop...right now they are scrawny mostly-featherless little things.

This morning as I was standing at the kitchen window getting bottles ready for my waking babies, I saw the momma bird land on our fence with a worm in her beak and then fly into the tree to the nest.  I thought about us two mommas (the bird and I) providing for our little ones.  I know I'm cheesy sometimes but me and momma bird just bonded a little over a morning meal.

 Notice any similarities? :) hehe 

 Obviously I took the pictures of the girls after the ones of the birds but it made me smile.

The zoo and father's day...

We took the girls to the zoo this weekend.  Jeff and I and our dear friends L & J and their little girl went.  Yes the girls were too small to really care but the adults sure had fun.  I think the only animals the girls noticed were the silver back gorilla and orangutan (because they sat right by the glass).  Those were my favorite to see.  There was also animatronic dinosaurs throughout the park.  These were Jeff's favorite.  He secretly hopes that one of the girls fulfills his dream of being a paleontologist.  We went to dinner afterwards and they were relatively good there also considering it started to cut into their bedtime.  They take far less naps then they used to (one 2 hour nap usually and then a couple 30-45 minute ones it seems) and I think this makes bedtime without a bed a lot more cranky.

 Great Apes exhibit with our little monkeys 

 Jeff giving the dinosaur a little Seren snack

 Kendall was smiling at the idea of being eaten

Father's day was good also.  Jeff and I went to church that morning and then hung out at home with the girls for the afternoon.  Jeff got some weekend wear clothes and a "fling shot monkey".  We talked to my parents on the phone for a bit and then headed down to Jeff's parents to celebrate the rest of the day.  Jeff is such a great dad and willing to do so much for his little girls and big girl (me).  He sacrifices a lot and works hard so that we can take care of them and I never thought I'd enjoy being a stay-at-home mom (daycare isn't cost effective with twins) but I love it and I'm so grateful that he is happy to provide for our little family.  He is moving onto another job that will allow him to be home more (no more 10+ hour days...YEAH!) and we are still hoping for another job to work out but right now just happy that dad can be home more with the girls (and less stressed of course).

Seren enjoying some Sesame Street with dad on the iPad

Twin Mom Guilt...

We hung out with our good friends last night.  It was really nice and enjoyable.  I felt like I was finally able to talk to my good friend about the infertility stuff and not be downplayed or belittled.  But first off it started off with some twin questions.  She asked if I ever wondered if Seren would be less of a crier or panicky if she were able to be on her own schedule (ie not be a twin but an only child).  I didn't really take it offensive but at the same time was thinking, "why does it matter? that's not the scenario we have so why wonder?"  I honestly think Seren would be very similar to how she is whether she was a twin or not.  It's interesting to see that Kendall and Seren have basically met in the middle in my opinion.  Seren has actually mellowed out a lot (I think mostly because the colic stage has passed) and Kendall has become more demanding at times (probably because she sees it working for Seren).

Unlike some twin moms who learn by surprise we had a pretty good idea from the beginning.  We were given a 40% + chance of twins based on the donor's history and the appearance of our embryos.  And sometimes I do feel guilty for them being twins.  Guilty that I can't pay attention to them enough or give them enough one-on-one time.  I catch myself thinking "I'm sorry that I put you in this situation" when one or both of them is having a really hard day and I'm trying to juggle loving on both.  I used to feel more guilty about it (often crying because I felt inadequate for them) so things have gotten better.  I wonder if most moms of multiples feel this way.  Just inadequate and somewhat guilty that they can't do enough.  I suppose that's another reason it bothers me when my friend compares developmental milestones of our children...because I feel I've put them at a disadvantage.  But in reality I know they will develop just as normally (they have so far) as any single child and will actually be better off for learning to share, socialize and be more patient right from the beginning.  They are lucky to have each other and have a sister who is their same age.  I'm excited to see them grow up together and have that special relationship.

On the other plus side, like I was saying, I really felt like my friend and I somewhat connected on the infertility stuff for the first time.  It has been a looooong while since the topic has truly been broached.  We both got to talking about whether we would have another child.  They plan to and my DH is settled while I'm not 100% sure yet.  She asked what we would do if we had twins again and I told her I wouldn't open it to that possibility (explaining more of the DE IVF stuff and only putting back one embryo).  Then she asked about the donor and how we had gone about picking someone.  I always thought I would be offended a little by people asking about the donor (no one really has yet...not very many family or friends know) but I wasn't offended.  In fact I was almost excited to tell her about the way things had worked out and how I really felt good about things and making the right decision once our donor was selected.  It was just a good conversation and I was also able to reiterate my concern/request with privacy and not talking to anyone else about it, explaining that Kendall and Seren deserve to know and understand and later share that information how they see fit and it's not really my place or choice beyond what Jeff and I feel is necessary to keep them "safe" emotionally (if that makes sense).

I really feel like fate led us down this route and I am so lucky to have the kiddos that I do.  They are so special and I hope I live every day as their mom making sure that they know that.  Every child is special of course but I like to think children brought to parents with infertility struggles are just a little more then most.

What I've learned...

We were hanging out with our good friends the other night.  Their daughter is basically 2 months younger then Kendall and Seren.  She is adorable.  Anyway they were sitting with her between them and comparing her looks to their own.  "I think she has my mouth but your eyes" and "No her mouth is more heart shaped like mine".  I just held one of my daughters and smiled.  I didn't really care which parent their daughter looked like so I wasn't going to comment or add my opinion.  I have noticed I don't really comment on things of that nature with babies and their parents.  I guess it's just not my focus anymore.  Anyway it just made me think about the things I've read about how genetics are not just in whole passed down from the parent.  It is not one parent or the other that is reflected in the child's appearance.  It could be a paternal aunt, a maternal grandmother or a distant relative that a child appears to have the look of.  Truthfully they only look like themselves in my opinion (and as DH puts it).

So some things that I have learned from being the mom to two beautiful girls via egg donation are:  genetics play no part in how we feel about our kids,  genetics are so much more complicated (ie epigenetics) then most people seem to understand, parental love is deeper than anything that would be "skin deep" or in that realm and I have the children I was meant to have heart, body and soul.

*side note* There is so much information on epigenetics.  I agree with the article above that it does not or should not discredit the donor's egg or DNA.  I know I wouldn't have been able to get pregnant or have these kids without her (and I plan on telling our kids that same truth).  But I also believe that there is some play on the appearance and ultimate outcome of children born of donor eggs through epigenetics.