We went to Jeff's parents for dinner last night. We do this every other week typically. While we were there Jeff asked about his parents watching the girls for the Friday appointment...I don't remember if it was all that secretive or who was around as I was in the other room. Dinner went as usual and Jeff's sister and brother-in-law readied to leave. I stood up and gave them both a hug goodbye and I get this somewhat cryptic farewell from my brother-in-law of "sorry your experiment didn't work". I was confused and thought he was referring to some prank I'd tried on Jeff. Nope. A little nod of the head and his restating with tone of voice let me know that they were aware of our failed IVF attempt. I looked at Jeff who looked just as bewildered as me. I shrugged off the apology as to not make a big deal of things and went to the kitchen. Jeff followed shortly after. What the hell. We had been pretty specific about our intentions of not telling any family members unless there was a success. How specific can one really be in such a matter? Why would you think it was okay to talk about it when we were specific that we didn't want it mentioned?
Oh and thanks for calling it an "experiment" because ya'know that's what it totally was. My doctor is a mad scientist and we just gave them thousands of dollars to do an "experiment" on me. Why don't you just call me a guinea pig while you're at it. I mean really? It was just handled all wrong by my brother-in-law. If you want to mention that you know and express condolence you don't do it while the rest of the family at dinner is around. And honestly you shouldn't even know about it so you shouldn't say anything at all. My own siblings don't even know anything.
And I try to give Jeff's parents the excuse that maybe they are just trying to be sensitive or protective of this sibling as they are going through their own infertility struggle. But guess what? I don't know anything about their situation or what they are doing in regards to children. So why do they all the sudden get to know our current situation. Why is our privacy subject to some other rule? And wouldn't it be more sensitive to not mention this to them unless something were to happen?
It just makes me wonder how many other people Jeff's parents have deemed privy to our private information. It really bugs me. Not that this sibling knows now because they weren't in control of what was told to them and it can't be untold. But it really irks me that my in-laws thought it was okay to tell anyone when we asked nothing be said.
I guess that is how it goes when it takes a clinic and multiple people to even attempt getting pregnant. Infertility just takes your privacy right out the window along with every other bit of normalcy that you had before.
Monday, November 18, 2013
Friday, November 15, 2013
Prep Work...
We have been prepping for the holidays (a little). I'm very much a Thanksgiving comes before Christmas kind of gal. But seeing as how it usually snows or gets icy before Thanksgiving in my great state we took after our neighbors cue and put lights up on the roof last weekend. We were going to finish this weekend but weather today disagrees. The girls loved the lights though for the few minutes they saw them. Jeff was up on the roof and I brought them out to watch him. Seren kept yelling very sternly "Daddy get off my house. Get down right now" and Kendall would say "Daddy what you doing?" but generally was looking at other things outside and trying to find the moon (she loves spotting the moon). We turned on the lights for a few minutes to see how they looked. The girls ooh'd and awe'd like we had paid them. They were so excited and have continually asked to turn them on again ever since. Makes me excited for the holidays though. They are going to love it this year.
Aside from the holidays we're also doing a bit of prep work for the upcoming cycle in January. I have a hysteroscope scheduled for next Friday. Not really looking forward to that but at least insurance should be covering everything except for the co-pay. It seems kind of pointless to go through with this when Dr H says the likelihood of issues (polyps, scarring, etc) being detected is very low. But when insurance will cover it then it certainly doesn't hurt either.
I'm not even sure what the next step in our plan will be after that. I know we'll do the pseudo biopsy on the menstrual cycle before the FET cycle. But I don't know if that's planned for January or December. I'm not sure if I'll be with it enough to ask when I see Dr H next...something to let Jeff ask maybe. I wish I could say we're hopeful. I'm not sure we really are. We still mention thoughts of another child and changes with rooms and cars we'd need to make if it worked but in general I think the air has been knocked out of our sails and realism has set in. Odds based before any thawing are pretty low (around 17-25% with morula cycles). We do have two early blast mixed in somewhere but that's it out of the eight remaining. I hope it will work. I don't know that I have the heart to believe it will though.
Aside from the holidays we're also doing a bit of prep work for the upcoming cycle in January. I have a hysteroscope scheduled for next Friday. Not really looking forward to that but at least insurance should be covering everything except for the co-pay. It seems kind of pointless to go through with this when Dr H says the likelihood of issues (polyps, scarring, etc) being detected is very low. But when insurance will cover it then it certainly doesn't hurt either.
I'm not even sure what the next step in our plan will be after that. I know we'll do the pseudo biopsy on the menstrual cycle before the FET cycle. But I don't know if that's planned for January or December. I'm not sure if I'll be with it enough to ask when I see Dr H next...something to let Jeff ask maybe. I wish I could say we're hopeful. I'm not sure we really are. We still mention thoughts of another child and changes with rooms and cars we'd need to make if it worked but in general I think the air has been knocked out of our sails and realism has set in. Odds based before any thawing are pretty low (around 17-25% with morula cycles). We do have two early blast mixed in somewhere but that's it out of the eight remaining. I hope it will work. I don't know that I have the heart to believe it will though.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Life Outside of Other Stuff...
Life beyond the current thoughts with possible cycles and upcoming failures attempts is going quite well. I am feeling more in the swing of life again since the disappointing BFN. Never thought I would be writing about BFNs and other attempts on this blog after we had the girls. I was very happy and content with my life and though exhausted and stretched thin with parenting twins it was good. It still is good. But I do want more. Or at least I want to try for more. Who knows if that will come or not.
The night after our appointment with Dr H, I was putting my sweet girls to bed. I was so grateful for them. I held them a little longer than usual, got a little teary-eyed and whispered to them how they would always be enough for me if we weren't able to have any more. It's true. I will forever be grateful for them making me a mom. And sometimes I think maybe I was blessed with twins the first time because God knew it wasn't going to work again. I'm glad they will always have someone to be with them, closer than most siblings will be (I hope). I hope we can add another but if it's not meant to be then we will still have plenty to be thankful for.
Kendall has said to me a few times in the days since the appointment "don't worry mommy...don't worry" and I wondered where she even picked up the word or understanding of worrying. Maybe it shows that I worry and have been worried about things. She is always my little empathetic and emotionally-connected child. She gets it. I don't really know why but she is good at reading emotion and seeing the details. I keep holding onto her words of 'don't worry' as things move forward again.
Seren is full of spunk as usual. She is a tease and a clown. She loves to get attention and laughs. She loves to do things for herself and try to do things for Kendall sometimes (not understanding that Kendall has the same drive to do it alone). She loves to say "I'm so happy" lately (for big and minor things that make her smile) and has started saying "I love you too" when you tell her you love her.
They still look out for each other and try to care for their needs. I love that the most still. Friends enjoy watching their kids play with other children and hugging their friends or holding a hand. I get to witness this most every day. There are the additional fights and tantrums caused by each other of course but I love seeing the friendship they have.
Life is going well and things are good no matter the outcomes that will happen. In the meantime I am looking forward to the holidays and the excitement and family time and fun that surrounds this time of year.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Follow-Up and Future...
We had our follow up with Dr H yesterday. He talked about our FET transfer and he told us that the quality on the blasts that thawed were rated as "fair" but we were likely given the higher odds by the transferring doctor due to the embryos hatching. He said something to the effect of he probably would have looked at both quality and hatching and maybe more weight should have been put on the "fair" rating. Thanks. That information would have been useful to us at the time not now morons. Makes me so mad to know we should have been advised to transfer both instead of given such high odds based on one little bit of information and not the whole picture.
The rest of the appointment had it's positives and it's negatives. The positive we came away with was that Dr H is willing to do some treatment for the autoimmune possibility (high dose steroids in the short term for 5-days and heparin or baby aspirin) and that insurance should cover the two tests he wants us to do (hysteroscopy and uterine biopsy). The uterine biopsy is more for the purpose of raising odds of implantation than for finding an autoimmune cause.
However the negative we came away with is that the quality of embryos left isn't that stellar. Dr H seemed pretty darn positive and then I reminded him that I didn't think we had any blastocysts left and so he reviewed the embryology report and some doubt crept in to even his positive outlook. He talked about how they don't even freeze morulas on day 5 anymore (they wait til day six and if they haven't developed more they discard them). In our understanding we have: two EB3, two M2 cav, one M2- cav, one M3 cav and two M2 left. He looked over the report and pointed out blasts and said he still thinks there is hope for one or two good viable chances at a live birth. Again we were reminded that they didn't know what was frozen together. Seriously that irks me and makes me so mad every time they say that. How can you not know? or make a note?
Then he talked about doing one cycle and thawing everything and looking for the very best or doing two cycles and thawing one straw at a time. We have two straws with 4 embryos in each remaining still. When he talked about thawing both straws for one cycle I knew he didn't think our odds were that great. He did end up recommending splitting it into two cycles if we could afford to because he felt it was a better chance still. Then he started asking about the possibility of three out of four surviving a thaw and what we would do or how we would feel about transferring three. Yep my "crappy odds" radar went off again. I asked him how often they consider transferring three in situations with morulas and he said that each doctor considers it depending on circumstances and in this case it would likely be considered if we wanted to. My hopes were down on the floor at this point. I didn't cry. I wanted to but I held it in. Dr H tried to pick up the tone and hopes again by saying he was still very optimistic about this still working for us. It helped but not very much.
He sent off a request to schedule the hysteroscopy in a few weeks. He said we could do the scope and biopsy together but thought it might be beneficial with timing (in case there were something to correct found with the scope) to do them separately. He mentally tried to figure out a possible timing for us...asking about my cycles and bum ovaries. Once again I guess it pays to not have your ovaries running interference on things...they can schedule the scope without much timing and move forward pretty easily. Then he said it might be tight to squeeze in a transfer before the clinic closed for the holidays. I said that was fine and I didn't want to go through a cycle during the holidays or have another disappointment during that time anyway. Wahoo for Miss Positive here huh? So at any rate we are looking to have everything line up for a January cycle at this point.
Now we just have to consider the possibilities of one cycle vs two and whether we want to take the risk (if given and no matter how slim) of having twins or even triplets. What a mess. I don't really have much hope of this working anymore. But I don't know how to not try still. In some ways I just wish I had never crawled out of my cute babies and fun toddlers pleasant little cocoon to desire any more.
The rest of the appointment had it's positives and it's negatives. The positive we came away with was that Dr H is willing to do some treatment for the autoimmune possibility (high dose steroids in the short term for 5-days and heparin or baby aspirin) and that insurance should cover the two tests he wants us to do (hysteroscopy and uterine biopsy). The uterine biopsy is more for the purpose of raising odds of implantation than for finding an autoimmune cause.
However the negative we came away with is that the quality of embryos left isn't that stellar. Dr H seemed pretty darn positive and then I reminded him that I didn't think we had any blastocysts left and so he reviewed the embryology report and some doubt crept in to even his positive outlook. He talked about how they don't even freeze morulas on day 5 anymore (they wait til day six and if they haven't developed more they discard them). In our understanding we have: two EB3, two M2 cav, one M2- cav, one M3 cav and two M2 left. He looked over the report and pointed out blasts and said he still thinks there is hope for one or two good viable chances at a live birth. Again we were reminded that they didn't know what was frozen together. Seriously that irks me and makes me so mad every time they say that. How can you not know? or make a note?
Then he talked about doing one cycle and thawing everything and looking for the very best or doing two cycles and thawing one straw at a time. We have two straws with 4 embryos in each remaining still. When he talked about thawing both straws for one cycle I knew he didn't think our odds were that great. He did end up recommending splitting it into two cycles if we could afford to because he felt it was a better chance still. Then he started asking about the possibility of three out of four surviving a thaw and what we would do or how we would feel about transferring three. Yep my "crappy odds" radar went off again. I asked him how often they consider transferring three in situations with morulas and he said that each doctor considers it depending on circumstances and in this case it would likely be considered if we wanted to. My hopes were down on the floor at this point. I didn't cry. I wanted to but I held it in. Dr H tried to pick up the tone and hopes again by saying he was still very optimistic about this still working for us. It helped but not very much.
He sent off a request to schedule the hysteroscopy in a few weeks. He said we could do the scope and biopsy together but thought it might be beneficial with timing (in case there were something to correct found with the scope) to do them separately. He mentally tried to figure out a possible timing for us...asking about my cycles and bum ovaries. Once again I guess it pays to not have your ovaries running interference on things...they can schedule the scope without much timing and move forward pretty easily. Then he said it might be tight to squeeze in a transfer before the clinic closed for the holidays. I said that was fine and I didn't want to go through a cycle during the holidays or have another disappointment during that time anyway. Wahoo for Miss Positive here huh? So at any rate we are looking to have everything line up for a January cycle at this point.
Now we just have to consider the possibilities of one cycle vs two and whether we want to take the risk (if given and no matter how slim) of having twins or even triplets. What a mess. I don't really have much hope of this working anymore. But I don't know how to not try still. In some ways I just wish I had never crawled out of my cute babies and fun toddlers pleasant little cocoon to desire any more.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Autoimmune Link...
I still feel our failed FET could be related to autoimmune issues. Yes there's always the blame card right? My body has been it's own combination punching bag and Mike Tyson for the last several years though. It took out my thyroid with Graves' Disease. Possibly was a factor in taking out my ovaries. And for lack of any other good reason I think it may have helped take out the poor little embryo and chance that was given.
I know most doctors would call me crazy (or any woman crazy) but I honestly really believe that the cramping and twinge feelings I had the evening of and day after the transfer were that embryo trying to make a home. It wasn't cramping all over. It was one very precise side and spot. And I felt it a few times over those first few days in the same place. Followed by achey fullness and light stretching almost as well and then some lower back cramps. I was 100% convinced it was working. Then my body started reacting to the shots (maybe coincidental but I still wonder) and it was very soon after that all of those "good" feelings went away and I started realizing it was over.
I've read A LOT on autoimmune stuff in the past and now I've begun reading about secondary infertility (non-ART and via failed IVF cycles) and found medical information about the body (especially those with a history of autoimmune issues) developing natural killer cells and T-cells (?) that can work in the uterus and target and even prevent implantation of the embryo from being successful. I wonder if that was and would be the case in the future. I emailed the team to also ask about this possibility (without going into detail on the feelings I had) and any testing to do before trying another transfer. We will see what Dr H has to say if anything about it. If anyone reading this has experience with autoimmune stuff or treatment during IVF please let me know (I appreciate the contact I did receive and will reply soon).
Update on asking Dr H. He agrees that this possibility is definitely worth looking into and possibly testing for and also mentioned prevention/suppression he has done with other patients. He mentioned steroid treatment during cycle and also use of baby aspirin and a possible endometrium biopsy. He also shared a research article about mild medical injury (ie scratching) to the uterus prior to a cycle improving the chances of implantation greatly. It sounds like we will need to set up an appointment with him to go into more detail. It makes me hopeful that he actually considers this a very possible interaction though. I wish we would have considered this before we used up our best frozen chance. I hope it's not too late if we look at it now.
I know most doctors would call me crazy (or any woman crazy) but I honestly really believe that the cramping and twinge feelings I had the evening of and day after the transfer were that embryo trying to make a home. It wasn't cramping all over. It was one very precise side and spot. And I felt it a few times over those first few days in the same place. Followed by achey fullness and light stretching almost as well and then some lower back cramps. I was 100% convinced it was working. Then my body started reacting to the shots (maybe coincidental but I still wonder) and it was very soon after that all of those "good" feelings went away and I started realizing it was over.
I've read A LOT on autoimmune stuff in the past and now I've begun reading about secondary infertility (non-ART and via failed IVF cycles) and found medical information about the body (especially those with a history of autoimmune issues) developing natural killer cells and T-cells (?) that can work in the uterus and target and even prevent implantation of the embryo from being successful. I wonder if that was and would be the case in the future. I emailed the team to also ask about this possibility (without going into detail on the feelings I had) and any testing to do before trying another transfer. We will see what Dr H has to say if anything about it. If anyone reading this has experience with autoimmune stuff or treatment during IVF please let me know (I appreciate the contact I did receive and will reply soon).
Update on asking Dr H. He agrees that this possibility is definitely worth looking into and possibly testing for and also mentioned prevention/suppression he has done with other patients. He mentioned steroid treatment during cycle and also use of baby aspirin and a possible endometrium biopsy. He also shared a research article about mild medical injury (ie scratching) to the uterus prior to a cycle improving the chances of implantation greatly. It sounds like we will need to set up an appointment with him to go into more detail. It makes me hopeful that he actually considers this a very possible interaction though. I wish we would have considered this before we used up our best frozen chance. I hope it's not too late if we look at it now.
Friday, October 25, 2013
Beta Blues...
I have the beta blues. Big Fat Negative of course. Right now I think BFN stands for something besides Fat and I don't mean Fluffy.
I was grateful a male drew my blood today as what was the likelihood he'd ask anything personal. I had my backside checked by a nurse who said it looked sore and reactive for sure. She went to her computer saying we would need to order a different solution with olive oil instead of sesame oil and try that. I told her I didn't think it was necessary and cried a little saying I'd already tested at home. Way to blow my cover that I was worried about before right? She handed me tissues and said she would call when they knew for sure.
Drove home and a couple hours later got the call that immediately was left for voice mail to pick up. Negative. Negative. Negative. No surprise but it hurt to hear for absolute certain. Silly me even emailed later to make sure running the test two days early wouldn't have made a difference. Rub salt in the wound. Yep why not? A phone call with an even more solid "it was negative for sure. I'm sorry".
Jeff was wonderful and came home from work without asking. What else do you do when your wife sobs on the phone to you. So now my eyes are still full of tears and my belly is full of hot wings and french onion soup. I can't complain forever. I had my two sweet girls with me when I listened to the voice mail. They both sensed that this was worse than the weepy mom of the last couple of days. Seren patted me on the leg and laid her head on my lap and kept saying "ohhhhh" Kendall crawled up next to me and also laid on me. When I talked to Jeff he talked to the girls for a minute and Seren in a very concerned voice said "Daddy...Mommy not happy". He asked them to give me a hug which they had already been doing. Blessings. Pure sweet blessings. I'm focusing on that.
I was grateful a male drew my blood today as what was the likelihood he'd ask anything personal. I had my backside checked by a nurse who said it looked sore and reactive for sure. She went to her computer saying we would need to order a different solution with olive oil instead of sesame oil and try that. I told her I didn't think it was necessary and cried a little saying I'd already tested at home. Way to blow my cover that I was worried about before right? She handed me tissues and said she would call when they knew for sure.
Drove home and a couple hours later got the call that immediately was left for voice mail to pick up. Negative. Negative. Negative. No surprise but it hurt to hear for absolute certain. Silly me even emailed later to make sure running the test two days early wouldn't have made a difference. Rub salt in the wound. Yep why not? A phone call with an even more solid "it was negative for sure. I'm sorry".
Jeff was wonderful and came home from work without asking. What else do you do when your wife sobs on the phone to you. So now my eyes are still full of tears and my belly is full of hot wings and french onion soup. I can't complain forever. I had my two sweet girls with me when I listened to the voice mail. They both sensed that this was worse than the weepy mom of the last couple of days. Seren patted me on the leg and laid her head on my lap and kept saying "ohhhhh" Kendall crawled up next to me and also laid on me. When I talked to Jeff he talked to the girls for a minute and Seren in a very concerned voice said "Daddy...Mommy not happy". He asked them to give me a hug which they had already been doing. Blessings. Pure sweet blessings. I'm focusing on that.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Itching to Get My Beta....
Literally!! This has been a very non-fun experience. Especially the last 4 days or so. Last night I had two giant hives on my backside. We tried cortizone cream and it helped for maybe an hour. And it didn't get rid of the stiff feeling of swelling in my back which is what hurt to sit, lean or sleep on and was more bothersome than the itching. What a shitty way to end all of this. Yep I'm admitting it. I'm pretty sure it's the end of this one. I would be shocked as hell if my beta came up with anything. Which sucks cause I went into this so positive especially after the odds we were given. I felt like things were working and noticed things that I didn't remember noticing with the girls. Cramping, twinging, etc. Now I don't feel anything different. Part of me wonders if my body went crazy with the PIO reactions and had some autoimmune response, killing any chances. I basically have two autoimmune conditions with Graves Disease and POF/POI so why wouldn't that be a possibility.
I've run out of ideas on comfort food. I've had onion rings, chicken pot pie and hot wings in the last few days. What's next on the menu? Need to find the ultimate comfort food I think. Deep fried mushrooms? Ultimate Skillet at Village Inn? French Onion Soup? Kung Pow Chicken at my favorite chinese restaurant? I guess there are still endless possibilities. Wish the same could be said for other matters of business right now.
I think I'll buy one more test for the morning before the beta and call it a day.
I've run out of ideas on comfort food. I've had onion rings, chicken pot pie and hot wings in the last few days. What's next on the menu? Need to find the ultimate comfort food I think. Deep fried mushrooms? Ultimate Skillet at Village Inn? French Onion Soup? Kung Pow Chicken at my favorite chinese restaurant? I guess there are still endless possibilities. Wish the same could be said for other matters of business right now.
I think I'll buy one more test for the morning before the beta and call it a day.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)