Myth Busted: You were meant to go through this

Why do people think this is a supportive statement??  If I could say one thing to people who are trying to be supportive it would be:  Don't try to "fix" the problem.  Just express that you are sorry that person is facing such a thing and offer support.  I honestly think this would apply to many of life's crisis too.  I have no idea why people find it necessary to try to solve things that they can't.  It hurts to see someone you love hurting...yes.  It's uncomfortable at times to see them struggle...yes.  But do you have a magic wand or word that makes it go away...no.

For me this is not and was not helpful to hear.  Maybe for some it is.  I suppose maybe a better thing to say or do is just say you are sorry and ask what they need (to hear, to do, etc).  But for me I can't tell you the times I've been told that "God chose you to go through this because He knew you could do it" (they couldn't?) or "You are the type of person who was meant for this trial.  You would love a child any way it came to you" (they wouldn't?) or "He gives us trials to make us stronger and never gives us more then we can handle" (am I that weak to begin with?).  Truthfully living in a culture where religion is spliced together with every hardship you ever face was not helpful to me at the time.  Quite frankly I was already on bad enough terms with my maker after being diagnosed infertile that to hear people tell me He "chose" me for this grief really just made it worse.  Needless to say I wasn't really on speaking terms with God for some time and even now I'm just beginning to rebuild that relationship.

I have been blessed in the end.  My marriage was strengthened.  My appreciation of my babies is greater (and I love who they are and realize they wouldn't be if it weren't for the direction life took).  I did discover some inner strength.  I've been able to support others going through similar circumstance (trust me I've never told them they were "chosen" for it).  In general I've realized what a blessing children and family are and to truly empathize with those struggling to get there.  But I don't think that means I was "chosen" for this path.  We took a road less traveled and made the best of it we could.

I still don't think we are "chosen" for certain trials.  I think our lives are meant to follow a pattern of some sort I suppose but to say a higher power would purposefully put me through something like this makes me picture someone who is not how I picture Him to be.  Who knows, maybe I'll be proven wrong on the other side.

 Of course now in my thinking too I realize that there are things we can't prevent from happening to our children.  We try to protect them and guide them but sometimes bad things just happen.  Our purpose is to stand as a solid foundation and comfort to them when it does.  I suppose this is how I think of God.  He doesn't pick and choose my trials for me.  Sometimes they just happen.
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This post is in response to National Infertility Awareness Week.  Resolve has challenged bloggers to Bust a Myth regarding infertility.  Bring awareness of infertility by busting a myth yourself. 

Myth Busted: Doesn't insurance cover that?

This was my own thought originally.  My ovaries were shutting down and causing other health risks (osteoporosis, heart disease, etc)...so that was obviously a health problem.  Insurance covered health problems right?  So yes...insurance helped with HRT (hormone replacement) and doctor's visits.  I don't know if they would have covered my DEXA scan and other tests that were done at the NIH in Maryland.  My doctor didn't want me to have DEXA scan done and said it wasn't something to worry about.  Hello...you're a doctor and osteoporosis is one of the main concerns with POF...how can you say that's not something to worry about?

So...when I went into researching the coverage I had for infertility treatment I was shocked.  I was annoyed.  My insurance, which was considered to be one of the best offered in my state, covered nothing.  I don't even know if it covered blood tests or ultrasounds because they would be related to infertility treatment.  I looked up more information about insurance covering this anywhere.  There were only a few states that mandated it to be covered.  Imagine a state having to require it by law to be covered?  Makes you feel loved by your insurance company doesn't it.  Insurance companies really bite it sometimes.  I made a comparison in my mind that they covered other life changing or challenging events...heart problems, cancer, diabetes and a number of others.  The treatment of these was not 100% guaranteed to work either.  And yes I realized that these conditions threatened physical life...the ability to go on living.  But at the time it felt like my infertility (such a definitive diagnosis..."never have kids on your own") could have the same effect on me.  It caused me to be in a pretty dark place and a great deal depressed for some time.  But guess what?  Insurance covers mental therapy.  I didn't quite get to the level that I took advantage of that...sometimes I think I should have but I was stubborn.  Basically if you find yourself infertile, plan on lots of therapy to get a bang for your buck but don't plan on any coverage to get you knocked up.

People don't understand the cost that can go into infertility treatment either.  They know it's "not cheap" but they don't really know the price tag.  The fertile have never had to worry about such things are IUIs, IVF, DE, ART, ICSI, SA, 3 day vs 5 day transfers, etc etc.  I doubt most of them even know what those acronyms mean.  I wouldn't either...if I didn't have to live with some of them.  And each one of those acronyms comes with a price tag.  How far you go up on the scale depends on what your individual issues may be.

Adoption has some insurance coverage typically it seems.  But adoption is not necessarily any cheaper or guaranteed.  Some people sit on adoption waiting lists for years while birth mothers look at their profiles and move onto the next.  Or have been waiting on a country to finalize an adoption when for whatever reason the borders are closed or the process is denied or frozen indefinitely.  Many are victims of fraud from horrible people who would scam them out of not only their money but their dreams of being a parent.

The sad thing to me is that Resolve states that according to many studies offering comprehensive infertility coverage to an insurance package can actually reduce cost and premium for those that pay into the pot.  Take that one to the bank insurance companies and insured people...literally.

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This post is in response to National Infertility Awareness Week.  Resolve has challenged bloggers to Bust a Myth regarding infertility.  Bring awareness of infertility by busting a myth yourself. 

Myth Busted: It's no different then saving for...

After I was officially diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure/Insufficiency (POF/POI) a little over a month after being married, the hubs and I began saving for what we felt was inevitable...the cost of DE IVF or adoption.   At the time we weren't 100% sure which route we would take but we knew neither one were going to be cheap.  We still "tried" even though so early in marriage neither of us really wanted to have a baby but we knew it would be a literal miracle if it happened so it wasn't so worrisome.

A little over a year of saving (including contributing my 401Ks to the pot, my annual leave pay out from my CPS job I quit, some of the money from hubby's condo he sold so we could make a down payment on our house, donations from my parents, etc etc) I was talking to my good friend about the cost of infertility treatment (over instant message...thank goodness).  She asked how much it would be and when I told her she said how it would be worth it.  Yes of course it would I agreed (if it worked).  She then compared it to saving and spending money on her house remodel.  She said they had put in $10,000 so far on carpet, siding and various projects.  I laughed to myself...uhhhhhh not at all the same (considering that was half of what we expected to spend).  Instead I told her "Yah except when you pay Lowe's you are 100% guaranteed to get what you paid for".  I couldn't believe what came out of her next "Not really."  What?  Was she seriously arguing that a retailer would give you the same "chance" of not providing what you paid for that ART treatments come with?  Yep she was.  I again said I didn't think a retailer would stay in business if that were true.  She again argued that "it could happen".  HA!! Oh I wanted to smack her.  When it become pretty obvious that she was serious and didn't see how these two grand expenditures were not at all alike I became more upset.  I had to shut down the messenger and walk away before I said something I knew I'd probably regret.  I felt she was not being supportive and trying to minimize my worry.  I didn't expect her to pity me or commend me but I didn't expect her to trivialize something that came with a 40% failure rate.  

Saving for ART treatment (for me...for us) was like putting away money that we would rather have used for other things...like house remodeling, down payments, vacations and a dozen other things.  Things that in my opinion are 100% guaranteed.  It was like putting all our eggs in one basket.  A basket with a decent sized hole in the bottom that everything could fall through.  It was saving for a dream.  Yes we realized it was all worth it...even if it failed at least we had tried.  Yes we realized the risk when we went into saving.  But I think we also both knew that if we left things to chance or out of our control that they would always be that way.  So there was no comparison and no similar thing most people could compare it too.  I imagine now that there are worse things to throw your money at...gambling, lottery tickets, etc.  You know...things with an even lower chance of "winning".  We threw in our ticket though and now with two beautiful girls in our lives...we have won the ultimate lottery.

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This post is in response to National Infertility Awareness Week.  Resolve has challenged bloggers to Bust a Myth regarding infertility.  I am making it my goal to Bust a Myth every day this week and bring awareness of infertility's challenges to those around me.  

Wahoo! It's done...

The nursery is finally done.  Well basically.  There are only very small touches that I want to add.  But just in time for their first easter it is finished.  I am so beyond pleased with it.  I worried half-way through that the black was overpowering and that the ideas wouldn't pull together for a finished product.  But I think it looks great.  I wish I would have had it done sooner but what can you do.  I figure I was doing two part time jobs and school during my pregnancy until the last month or so...so that only allowed for weekends.  Then the last 3 weeks of pregnancy I had a tension headache every single day :P  So yah...I'd say getting it done now amidst caring for twins is still quite the accomplishment.  Go me!

View walking in the door

Dresser and changing table.  I painted/distressed the dresser and painted the changing table.  I also made the curtain...it's one of my favorite things. 

I found a picture online of a style I like and then made up my own pattern for it.  First attempt at doing something like that and I love how it turned out...I tried to lighten this picture so the colors are a little wrong. 

 I added ribbon to the changing table baskets. 

 Wall shelf I painted.  The dinosaurs are the first baby item we purchased for them after finding out I was pregnant (Jeff loved/loves dinosaurs and wants to pass on that interest to the girls).  The ultrasound picture is Kendall (Seren was being shy)...so this needs to be updated. 

 View from another corner of the room.

 Seren's crib and decor.  I saw the embroidery hoop idea online somewhere with solid fabrics and went off of that to make pieced together ones from my fabrics.  I then added their monogram letters on top of the hoop (my own idea). 

 Kendall's crib and decor.  I love how the wall decor turned out.

 Kendall's crib.  I made the bumpers and crib skirts to both cribs.  My friend Lisa made the adorable crochet blankets for them. 

 Seren's crib and blanket

 A coworker had her fiancee sketch this picture for my baby shower gift.  It isn't their feet but I think it's fun.

So blessed...

I am so blessed.  Having twins has been a unique experience.  Both from the pregnancy and seeing them "play" on the ultrasounds together and into the daily life of raising them.  Kendall and Seren have started paying more and more attention to each other these days.  I will lay them next to each other and they will turn to look at each other and just coo and smile away.  Seren saves her best smiles and excitement for her sister I've decided.  But like this morning, it is also so fun to have two beautiful babies smiling back at me when we play.  How many people get to experience that really?  I'm so lucky and blessed.  I am excited to see all the unique experiences we will have with these two little angels.

Woes of the fertile...

*warning: I may sound like an ungrateful infertile lady here but don't want to censor what I think either*

Why do the fertile find it necessary to tell the infertile about it?  Okay no I don't want to say you have to pick and choose your topics of conversation around me.  But really?  I have a friend that has two kids already and apparently went through an ectopic pregnancy recently.  She proceeded to tell me about it online through chat.  I felt like I was talked down to (i.e. "ectopic is a tubal pregnancy in case you didn't know") and then she treated it like it was a full blown miscarriage (she hadn't even gotten a positive pregnancy test).  She wasn't even far along enough for it to damage her tubes, which is what I thought all the fuss and drama was about.  I would've actually felt she had the right to feel how she did and felt more sorry for her if she'd lost a tube.  But I'm sorry...call me a self-centered biotch...but an ectopic pregnancy that isn't even far enough along to damage a tube doesn't even cross the line I would draw for it being a baby yet.  Which is how she treated it..."they had to take the baby" and as if her hormones were out of whack and she had "baby blues" because of this.  I don't know.  I guess I should be grateful I don't have to worry about having a tubal or a miscarriage (most likely) but dang gina can we lay off the dramatics for this kind of thing when you're telling a friend that you very well know can never have a kid on her own.  It's not the end of the world.  And yes you are as you say "young and still want more kids" but you know what (even though I have two beautiful girls now)...maybe I did too or would like to at least feel it was my choice.

Allowed frustration...

Sometimes after all the work and desire we put into getting the girls here I wonder if I am at all entitled (prob the wrong word) in having frustrations with them.  Today was a rough day for whatever reason.  We were stuck in all day with rain and then it began snowing and Jeff was home late from work.  I got cranky and tired and the girls were also cranky.  We weren't a good match for each other.  I generally find myself just frustrated with feeling unable to care for two kiddos at the same time.  But I will admit too I get frustrated with Seren's colic...it always seems to hit at bedtime and sometimes she can cry and scream for hours.  I feel so bad for her but it's difficult too.  It is also hard too during the day to be alone with them (thus the feelings of shortcomings with myself).  Especially if they both get to crying at the same time and it's not due to hungry tummies (the easy thing to fix).  I do love them so much though and wouldn't trade a million sleep filled nights for the time we will lose sleep with them.  I adore our daughters and I love to watch them grow and discover things around them (Kendall is obsessed with her feet lately and Seren is so cheerful and social when she isn't cranky with gas).

Anyway I think that being infertile and finally being granted your wishes doesn't mean you can't have off days too.  You rarely if ever hear or read of someone in our shoes complaining or saying it's tough.  But just because we fought to get here doesn't mean things are simple and easy now.  I just think that honesty should be put out there.  I hope I don't upset anyone who is still trying or in the midst of diagnosis or anything else.  Believe me I am grateful every day that we have such beautiful kids and each other together to raise them.  It is a huge blessing and my heart is so full of love for them.  It amazes me how much I can love them when there is no apparent ability for them to even love me back at this point.  I finally kind of understand how my mom would say I couldn't understand how much she loved me until I had kids of my own.  She was right.