So blessed...

I am so blessed.  Having twins has been a unique experience.  Both from the pregnancy and seeing them "play" on the ultrasounds together and into the daily life of raising them.  Kendall and Seren have started paying more and more attention to each other these days.  I will lay them next to each other and they will turn to look at each other and just coo and smile away.  Seren saves her best smiles and excitement for her sister I've decided.  But like this morning, it is also so fun to have two beautiful babies smiling back at me when we play.  How many people get to experience that really?  I'm so lucky and blessed.  I am excited to see all the unique experiences we will have with these two little angels.

Woes of the fertile...

*warning: I may sound like an ungrateful infertile lady here but don't want to censor what I think either*

Why do the fertile find it necessary to tell the infertile about it?  Okay no I don't want to say you have to pick and choose your topics of conversation around me.  But really?  I have a friend that has two kids already and apparently went through an ectopic pregnancy recently.  She proceeded to tell me about it online through chat.  I felt like I was talked down to (i.e. "ectopic is a tubal pregnancy in case you didn't know") and then she treated it like it was a full blown miscarriage (she hadn't even gotten a positive pregnancy test).  She wasn't even far along enough for it to damage her tubes, which is what I thought all the fuss and drama was about.  I would've actually felt she had the right to feel how she did and felt more sorry for her if she'd lost a tube.  But I'm sorry...call me a self-centered biotch...but an ectopic pregnancy that isn't even far enough along to damage a tube doesn't even cross the line I would draw for it being a baby yet.  Which is how she treated it..."they had to take the baby" and as if her hormones were out of whack and she had "baby blues" because of this.  I don't know.  I guess I should be grateful I don't have to worry about having a tubal or a miscarriage (most likely) but dang gina can we lay off the dramatics for this kind of thing when you're telling a friend that you very well know can never have a kid on her own.  It's not the end of the world.  And yes you are as you say "young and still want more kids" but you know what (even though I have two beautiful girls now)...maybe I did too or would like to at least feel it was my choice.

Allowed frustration...

Sometimes after all the work and desire we put into getting the girls here I wonder if I am at all entitled (prob the wrong word) in having frustrations with them.  Today was a rough day for whatever reason.  We were stuck in all day with rain and then it began snowing and Jeff was home late from work.  I got cranky and tired and the girls were also cranky.  We weren't a good match for each other.  I generally find myself just frustrated with feeling unable to care for two kiddos at the same time.  But I will admit too I get frustrated with Seren's colic...it always seems to hit at bedtime and sometimes she can cry and scream for hours.  I feel so bad for her but it's difficult too.  It is also hard too during the day to be alone with them (thus the feelings of shortcomings with myself).  Especially if they both get to crying at the same time and it's not due to hungry tummies (the easy thing to fix).  I do love them so much though and wouldn't trade a million sleep filled nights for the time we will lose sleep with them.  I adore our daughters and I love to watch them grow and discover things around them (Kendall is obsessed with her feet lately and Seren is so cheerful and social when she isn't cranky with gas).

Anyway I think that being infertile and finally being granted your wishes doesn't mean you can't have off days too.  You rarely if ever hear or read of someone in our shoes complaining or saying it's tough.  But just because we fought to get here doesn't mean things are simple and easy now.  I just think that honesty should be put out there.  I hope I don't upset anyone who is still trying or in the midst of diagnosis or anything else.  Believe me I am grateful every day that we have such beautiful kids and each other together to raise them.  It is a huge blessing and my heart is so full of love for them.  It amazes me how much I can love them when there is no apparent ability for them to even love me back at this point.  I finally kind of understand how my mom would say I couldn't understand how much she loved me until I had kids of my own.  She was right.

Thoughts of Pregnancy -- Post Pregnancy

I have thought about my post pregnancy thoughts more so recently.  Like how I feel about having any possibility of my own genetic children after having our beautiful girls.  I hope I don't offend anyone by saying this.  I know we all come from different experiences and situations.  Some have children prior to taking the route of donor egg children, some only have the option of donor egg children and some still feel a desire for a genetic child after having a donor egg child.  We all have the right to feel how we do and pursue our desires how we see fit.  So where do I fall?

When I consider the very slim chance of getting pregnant on my own the only thing I really think would be great is not having a team of doctors involved with the conception and not having to have needles stuck in my back side daily for 10-12 weeks straight.  I would also love to not have to take hormones for the rest of my life in hopes that I don't end up with osteoporosis or other POF/POI side effects.

I used to imagine how I would love for my body to kick into gear after pregnancy and possibly get pregnant without intervention.  I believe Jeff and I used to talk about how I wouldn't use birth control then either and we'd just see what happened.  But after having Kendall and Seren, I can honestly say that I have no real desire to have a genetic child.  I can't imagine feeling any more connected to one or more love towards one or whatever reason it is that makes us want to perpetuate our own DNA.  Most days I forget that these girls don't share any of my genetics.  And even more so I wonder how they would feel if we were to have a genetic child.  Not that any parent would ever treat their children differently or feel different towards them.  But then I wonder...would they somehow feel second best?  Just the thought of it diminishing their importance (even if it were just a feeling they had or quietly never expressed) makes me think I would never pursue that.  I couldn't be more lucky than in having them.

3 Months Old

 Weight:  No official measurements until May.  We are estimating around 11 lbs or so each with the scale method.  We hold them, weigh and then put them down and weigh again.

Eating:   They eat about 5 oz every time now.  Every 3 to 4 hours.  We had them stretched out to 5 oz every 4 hours but then I think Kendall hit a growth spurt last week so it went to every 3hours and then once at 2 1/2 hours.  I tried putting a little rice cereal in their formula during the day when I could keep an eye on their reactions.  This seemed to help but now that we are back to at least 3 hours I am laying off.  

Favorite Things:  Mom and Dad (still) of course.  Sleeping.  Walks...okay they sleep through these usually too.  I think it will be fun when it's warmer and they can sit up on their own really well.  I plan to trade out strollers at this point.  Music and dancing around with mom.  I threw on the children's CD while making dinner  last week and played head, shoulders, knees and toes with them...they seemed to like it. 

Dislikes:  Being hungry and pooping.  

Their Accomplishments:   They do well at tummy time.  Both of them are starting to lift their heads and some of their upper body really well.  They are also improving on head/neck control when we hold them.  They are smiling more frequently (especially when they are hungry and we show up with bottles).  We have heard little chuckles out of both of them but can't wait for a real full belly laugh.  They are getting into a schedule for naps and sleeping which is really nice. 

Our Accomplishments:  We are getting better at routines for bedtime and this has helped out tremendously. They usually go down around 9 pm without too much of a fight.  We don't get out a lot still (like stores and shopping...easier to just go alone) but we do go to family and friend events.  I'm also more comfortable talking about the infertility side of things when people ask if twins were a surprise (nope...they usually aren't when you have help).

Sleep:  They are doing better and better at this (usually).  We now feed them and then bath them or at least put them in some warm water (with a little baby oil to prevent drying) almost every night, then change them to clean pajamas and put them down.  This usually is a half-hour to 45 minute routine between readying bottles to actually having them quiet or asleep.  Then they sleep until 2 am usually (5 hours).  Last night they fell asleep around 9:30 pm and slept until 3:30 am so we are getting closer to that blissful night when they will sleep through the night.

Seren - 3 months old

Kendall - 3 months old

Seren's First Laugh

I was recording Seren on our Flip camera the other day.  She is very social and loves to play and smile at us.  So while Kendall was wrapping up her nap we played.  I was making all sorts of faces at her and getting her reactions on camera.  Then all of the sudden she chuckled a little.  Not much but what I would say is her first laugh (pause the music to the side before playing).

Jeff said that Kendall laughed for him yesterday too but I can never get her on camera.  I can't even catch her smiling on camera because it seems she gets shy or preoccupied with the camera being around.  She loves to observe things around her and is very aware when the camera comes out...little stinker hehe  I can't wait to hear full bellied laughs from both of them.  They are so much fun and love them so much.

Parenthood Top Ten...and "sleep parenting"

With all of the busy non-stop go world of twins (okay nap time is still allowing for some mommy time) I sometimes notice fun mom things I get to do these days:

1.  I pick my child's nose at the store and think nothing of it (she has a cold and she had to breathe).
2.  I talk to both my kiddos while grocery shopping like they actually have a clue what I'm saying.
3.  I talk to myself...apparently it helps keep my sanity.
4.  I don't notice #3 so much until I'm with Jeff's family and they point it out.
5.  I make up some pretty great kids songs on the fly...my favorite "I Like To Be Held By Mommy" (I'm thinking I should sign a record deal HAHA)
6.  My idea of being productive means I got a shower in today and if I'm lucky did some laundry too before they woke up.
7.  I reorganize the front room just to have some variety in life
8.  I have children's books but sometimes I read my own books out loud to the girls just so I can fit it in
9.  Jeff and I are so excited that for the last 4 nights the girls have slept for a four hour chunk...it's the most solid sleep we have had in over two months.

And best of all...

10.  Jeff and I have both had "sleep burpings", "sleep feeding" and general "sleep parenting".  This is where we have woken up in the middle of the night trying to feed, burp or tend to children that are sleeping in their cribs.   I have woken up to Jeff patting me and trying to burp me.  Then another night it was him sitting up turning around and trying to feed an invisible child.  In general when I "sleep parent" it is simply waking up and searching the bed cause I could swear we fell asleep with them in it (this has never actually happened).

The joys of parenting :)  Really it is all fun (okay most of it is fun) but totally life changing of course.