I am a list...

I have been categorized, prioritized and minimized down to a list. I have become a set number of characteristics and traits...a list. Me. Right down there on that paper (or word file since we used the computer). After all Jeff and I had to narrow me down to a list of characteristics and personality traits and hopes. Hopes for someone else to be even somewhat like me so that it can feel like I have some connection beyond an umbilical cord to this possible baby. It was kind of depressing. It was kind of hopeful. It was really strange. Strange to see myself in a matter of items and qualities that embodied me and what I would have liked to pass onto a child if I had been given the opportunity. Was it more important to pass on hopeful eye color and appearance or to pass on hopeful personality traits or a chance at being intelligent or healthy. It really makes you think when you realize that you are choosing those possibilities and ranking them in an order. We never really considered it as an idealized baby or "designer baby". We wanted things that I possessed or was like to be on the list. I found myself thinking it was good to have a donor who resembled us both (fair skin, light eyes, brownish blonde hair) so that maybe between Jeff and the donor it would look like Jeff and I. But then as Jeff suggested something of his personality traits or interests, I found myself saying he already had his input on those via his sperm whereas I did not. I realized again it wasn't me that would be contributing 1/2 of the DNA. Although it was kind of sad to look at the list of "me" it was also encouraging to know that this was a step in the right direction.

We emailed the list to Nurse G, our DE coordinator with UCRM, and the next day she had sent us an email back saying that she was reviewing donor profiles and felt she had a good match for us. She explained the donor had donated twice before and had produced 22 eggs the first time and 19 the second time. They sent her profile to us in the mail and we're supposed to go over it and let her know what we think. Yah and I thought things were moving fast before.

Finally Rolling...

The ball seems to finally be rolling. The DE coordinator from UCRM contacted us just before Christmas to see where we were at and what our plan was for the new year and cycling there. I was planning to contact her first part of January so it was nice to see her taking action and concern. We were planning to cycle in April and start running tests in January to prepare for that. I told her that and she came back with an email of some "first things first" and things we needed to get doing soon. The first thing is Jeff needs to go do the hamster penetration assay / sperm analysis. We have joked about this since our IVF consult in June/July. They analyse his sperm, including a penetration test with a hamster egg. In theory to test whether his fellas could fertilize the egg when the real thing goes down. So we have to do that this month and then schedule other appointments in February. It was exciting to actually see some pressure to get things done and feel like we were on a time schedule. It was weird to finally be here where it was only months away from now.

For the first time we were scheduling things around it (or trying to). We had decided to keep things quiet and to ourselves until we get results (maybe even a little longer if they are positive results...to be sure it sticks). This meant no telling or talking to parents, family or friends about it. Well our good friends Lisa and James wanted to get some people together and go 4-wheeling and stay at a cabin this spring. Guess when they wanted to go. In April. It was only a weekend trip but we didn't want to be stressed out or doing injections at the time. So without telling them why we tried to suggest the trip be at the beginning of April (blaming it on my school). They wanted to go further out so it wasn't snowy or muddy at the cabin/resort place. Blah! So then we tried middle of April (finals week for school). So then we shifted our plan to do this weekend trip and also the cycle to late April...which by then I was okay with because I didn't realize finals were so soon and would rather do the cycle between semesters. I guess this is the nice thing about donor cycles. The donor will be doing most of the injections and the synchronized stuff during April while I'm stressing over finals and going on weekend outings. I'm okay with giving her that.

I just almost can't believe it's getting within range now. They gave us a tentative transfer date of May 5th. At first I thought "okay that's 5 months away" and then I realized it was actually 4 months away. Then I thought of how that's the transfer date and the cycle will actually start sometime probably early April. So yah, wow 3 months or so from now we will be starting a cycle.

New Year...New Leaf

Welcome 2010! I always think it's good to start a new year. I have resolutions this year that I'm hoping I'll stick to. 2009 was horrible for my caffeine and carbonation consumption both of which are horrible on your bones. I broke a 15+ year long habit of not drinking caffeinated drinks (religious preference) and began indulging in regular Dr Pepper (oh how I will miss thee). So first and foremost for my new goals is to stop drinking soda and carbonation (take care of my already-at-risk bones). Next goal is to be happier...not get hung up on how people behave or how I let them influence me...main focus here is my road rage (okay I've never chased anyone down or been crazy) but I will stop yelling or cursing at bad drivers and stop flipping them off. Those are my two main focuses...that and to be organized and do well in school. I also am going to try to go to WSU gym after or before my classes this semester...exercise is always a good goal. I really hope 2010 goes well.

Better...

I'm getting more excited about the holidays. Maybe because I'm wrapping up my shopping and there are presents under the tree. I always get excited to give presents to people and find a good gift for the hard-to-shop-for. I feel better about the holidays and I'm looking forward to them more now. My sister is spending Christmas with us and I'm excited about that and love to spend time with her. I feel lucky to be where I am and to have a warm home and a job and an education (continuing education even) and those are just touching on the blessing that are "things" and as they say...The greatest things in this world are not things.

I look forward to the coming year and to finish school and hopefully to come a few steps closer to our goal. Merry Christmas in the meantime :)

Our Christmas Decor...Andrea, Jeff, Michelle and Thor's stockings all hung with care...in hopes that Saint Nicholas soon will be there

Holiday Bah-hum-bug

I have to say that between being away from my parents and all the wanting-a-kid-that-I-can't-have right now and then not knowing if this time next year will be the same way or the year after that too and so on...I'm not a big fan of the holidays. It isn't as bad as it could be...it can always be worse right? I have a loving husband, a dog who is spoiled rotten and family who cares and that I can count on. Lately I just feel more like there is that missing piece and that I want more. I don't have crazy envy of those with children like I did the Christmas right after being diagnosed (man that was depressing). I just have anxiety. I worry that it will never happen, I worry about the possibility of it happening, I worry that I'll get my hopes up and they'll be deflated all over again.

The holidays and especially Christmas have so much to do with family and kids. I can completely see why it would be hard to go through the holidays without all of that in tow. I get the question of having kids more often lately. I guess after two years of marriage it's pretty common and harder (at least in LDS/Mormon culture) to pawn off on enjoying married life still, although I am. I also just have the feeling that those who aren't asking are assuming that something isn't right. I don't know which is worse being asked and able to throw out my defense mechanism answers of "oh goodness not yet" or "I want to finish school and get a real job first" or just being ignored altogether when it comes to the topic.

I'm also not really into the church related side of the holidays so much either. I believe in God and I believe in a plan to life and an afterlife and being with family and loved ones. But I don't want to be around those that just take it all for granted. I don't want to hear the lessons and lectures about family and how it's such a blessing. If it's such a blessing then does that mean Jeff and I have been cursed because we can't? If we're given trials to help us grow then why do I feel like, at least when it comes to church, that I have digressed so much? I don't know. I think it's good that we're taking time to figure this out and that I don't feel the pressure that I did to "have a family" and "being a mother is your most important role and calling" kind of thing that it felt like before. I hope it gets better eventually but right now I think I am fine giving God the silent treatment and I believe that if He loves us unconditionally and knows everything the way they say He does that He understands how we feel and still loves us and will be there when we want to talk again.

Karma and Misfortune

I don't know if I really believe in karma and I don't really believe that this is a case of karma but more of misfortune. Misfortune and odds. After all I know far too many women who seem to get pregnant easily to not know more women who don't. It was bound to happen right?

A good friend of mine (who shall remain nameless) recently began asking me more about how I came to be diagnosed with POF...what tests they did and what else they thought it might be. I of course became curious why they were asking and came to find out they had been trying to get pregnant and that she had missed periods without the happy following of a positive pregnancy test. I explained the rarity of POF and the other possible outcomes this might be. I did my best to be supportive while in my head this little voice said "karma's a bitch". I'm sure this friend had tried be supportive with my POF diagnosis but I always felt belittled and diminished when I talked about it with her. After all according to her it was worse to have bad in-laws than infertility and remodeling often came with a 50-60% risk of not getting what you paid for. I'm sure it was just a hopeful way to relate to me and a miserable attempt at showing empathy when all I really wanted to hear was "I'm sorry" or "That sucks". I don't remember hearing those the first time around...maybe because the hurtful things stick out so well in my memory. But as we talked about the possibilities and her feelings towards it I heard "I'm sorry you had to go through this"(even with that I laughed a little inside thinking "uh yah...STILL going through it"). But it still felt strangely healing. Healing for me to hear and to actually feel understood a little by her. This wasn't some small little thing in one's life. It wasn't comparable to other things and it wasn't a bid for competition or attention. It sucked! It hurt! It wasn't easy.

She had an appointment a couple weeks later and some blood work results a week or so after that. Come to find out she has PCOS and will be going on some medication to help regulate things. I've heard very hopeful things about this medication and of it fixing things and working relatively quickly. So come January when she's off the birth control again (used to regulate her body) I imagine that she will be coming out with some "happy news". I will be happy for her (I hope) but I wonder if the understanding will remain or if it will be back to minimizing or trying to debunk the worries that I have. I imagine that I will just continue to refrain from talking to her about my POF issues due to the feelings of dislike and anger that her resulting comments usually instill in me.

My Life is a Monet

I think in analogies a lot it seems. I have emailed a fellow POFer and good friend, J, for over a year now. We sometimes talk about how messy and crazy POF can be and how it makes your life feel out of sorts, maddening, saddening and totally unpredictable. We also often hope together. Hope for the luck and blessing to have a family, hope for better health and understanding and outcomes of POF and hope for things to turn out in general. We talk about how someday we'll look back at the hardship of it all and be completely grateful and see the beauty of how it turned out. I told her the other day that our lives are like Monet's (coming from the movie Clueless). They are kind of messy and not always pretty close up but when you look back on them or have some distance between yourself and the mess then it can be beautiful. I hope I can look back at the "art" of life in the long run.