Internal conflicts...

I have probably posted about this before when we were considering or pursuing donor egg IVF. Jeff went to a family dinner on Saturday while I was working and it somehow gets brought up again. His brother-in-law is now in a church calling and has/had access to a church handbook which has statements of standings of the LDS church leaders on different types of things. It includes opinions on regular IVF and also on donor egg or donor sperm being used. There is apparently no problem with regular IVF but the LDS church is opposed to or strongly discourages donor egg/donor sperm being used. I don't know the exact wording.

Jeff and I don't feel bad or guilty about the decisions we made. We thought about it and talked about all the different angles of donor egg IVF versus adoption for months and months and had two years to really decide for sure when you think about it. We wouldn't change a thing about where we are now or how we got here. We know and believe these are the children we are meant to have and we're so excited to have them here.

And I guess you really can't say what the exact opinion or advice we would get would be without asking a church leader (bishop or stake president or something). Still it is hard for me to put two and two together. Jeff and I have been going back to church and attending sacrament meetings most Sundays unless I have to work. We've talked about having the baby blessings for the girls and I wonder about who will bless them, whether Jeff would be allowed to because of our prior inactivity, etc. I don't know how to feel about it all. I want the girls to be involved with church and I want us to be involved with church more but I feel like there is this internal conflict due to all of this. After all, how do you resolve something that possibly means involving your children with a church that "discourages" or doesn't agree with how they were created?

No sure things...

Nothing in life is for certain. There are so many times when I think to myself or find myself telling other bloggers that there is a "safe zone" in pregnancy. A time when you can stop worrying. When things can't go wrong. I guess it should be more considered the "relatively safe zone". Chances of problems go down drastically. It becomes more and more likely your baby or babies will come home with you. But as I started with nothing is 100% a sure thing.

A good friend and prior roommate of mine had her water break and went into labor yesterday at about 36 weeks or so. I remember thinking it was a little early but she'd probably be fine. Her little girl was apparently very sick though (I don't know all the details nor would I go into them if I did) and the baby ended up passing away a few short hours later. I feel so sad for my friend, her husband and their young son. I don't believe they knew of any problems so to be expecting a healthy baby and have something so devastating happen...I can't imagine. There are definitely worse things than being infertile.

I also have another close friend who has been through both infertility and a still-born baby. To her I admire and look up to her strength beyond words. I hope and pray that everything is okay with our girls but this made me realize there is no guarantee on anything. My heart goes out to anyone who has experienced loss like this.

31 weeks

How far along? 31 weeks

Symptoms: swollen feet and ankles, tired but not exhausted, sometimes I get sick to my stomach or like want-to-be heartburn if I eat too much but still nothing actually burning or coming back up thank goodness.

Stretch marks? still not seeing anything serious...let's keep it that way :)

Weight Gain: 22 ish pounds I think...maybe more (I haven't stepped on the scale lately)...I think I prob should eat more still based on how much I eat and the size of the babes although Dr B says everything is perfectly fine.

Sleep? I usually sleep good still and I slept in this morning because of my medical records job being "low census/over budget so take a couple days off" so that was nice.

Best moment this week? the baby shower was fun and my friend Lisa did a great job with it. I still don't like being the center of attention but it was okay. Lots of cute baby stuff and good necessities too. Also I had a dream that we had the girls. I was holding one and trying to decide on her name (we have two picked out) so I asked "Are you K___ or S___?" and this little girl whisper voice says "I'm S___" and I was like okay great (cause babies can talk and tell you hehe). They were both cuties too.

Movement? Yes a little less shifting and moving around but still mobile. Lots of hard bumps and body parts poking out too but I still can't figure out what body part they are usually. I was in bed last night and felt an elbow/knee/hand sliding back and forth on my belly...pretty cool. I wonder what they think when I play with them or push back.

Food Cravings? I really wanted meat the last couple days...both because it sounded good and I don't think I eat enough meat lately. So I bought a pork chop one day and then we had chicken the next day. I'll probably eat the other chop for lunch and then I'm going to meet up with Jeff after his work to go to one of our favorite local places. Milk is also still the best.

Gender? baby girls

What I miss? Nothing compared to where I am.

What I'm looking forward to? working on the crib bedding (today maybe?)...hopefully actually finishing it before they get here. Another baby shower on Saturday.

What I will miss? feeling the babies move. Being able to keep an eye on them and order just because they can't do anything but chill in my belly for the next while. Probably sleeping and me-time too.

Milestones: feeling baby parts not just movement. We'll have our child birth prep class on the 27th. I am now supposed to go in for weekly appointments with Dr B to "keep a closer eye on things" but my blood pressure, weight and the girls are all reportedly doing great. One girl is approx 2 lb 15 oz and one is 3 lb 6 oz.

Belly Button: still an innie.

30 weeks update

How far along? 30 weeks 1 day

Maternity clothes? I'm pretty much 100% maternity now...unless I'm at home

Symptoms: We have swelling :P It's official...my ankles and feet have started swelling. They go down a little from sleeping but usually return by the time I'm home from work. They look kind of Flinstone-ish. No other real complaints or symptoms.

Stretch marks? I don't think so...nothing red or noticeable. The little white ones by my hips that I had before may have grown a little longer.

Weight Gain: ummmmm... around 20 or 22 now

Sleep? sleeping pretty good for being limited in my movement.

Best moment this week? finishing panting and the main part of the nursery...I love it!! I can't stop going in there to just look at it and admire. Can't wait to finish all the little touches now too.

Movement? Oh yah they are very active. It is more weird to feel them now. I can feel bones or hard lumps on my stomach and I'll press on them a little and they'll move away or sometimes move away and then kick or push right back. Jeff is funny and protective and says I shouldn't play with them like that but I think it's cute and I'm sure I'm not hurting them or anything. Still feel my left side more then right but some movement on right too just more faint.

Food Cravings? Nothing I would call a strong craving. I love milk. I love cold water. I love pretty much any food. I really need to go grocery shopping :P

Gender? two little girls

What I miss? Nothing compared to where I am.

What I'm looking forward to? working on the crib bedding...hoping to today actually. I keep putting it off too but it'll get done.

Milestones: 30 weeks...maximum of 8 weeks to go. Single digit weeks and honestly probably less than that. I have been thinking 36 weeks lately (yah right in the middle of Christmas :P hehe) but hoping to make it a little longer than that.

Emotions: Not crazy or super emotional I guess but not as even keel either.

Belly Button: It is so shallow and close to popping out. I think I will be "done" in time for Thanksgiving hehe

Getting there...

The nursery is looking good. I would be happy to show it off in it's current condition so I'm not too worried about the shower this weekend. Jeff finished taking down the painter's tape while I was at school and we moved the dresser back in, put the chair in and uncovered the crib. We also put the changing table I painted together and in the room (hehe I missed a few spots of paint so it'll need a little touch up). It all looks so good and cute. I can't wait to get wall decor up and the other crib up (even if it does get taken down again to go in our room for the first few weeks or so of the girls being here). It's going to look even better. I already catch myself just going in the room and turning on the lights to admire it. It's perfect. I'll have to post another pic or two when everything is up and totally finished but for now.

*playing with the idea of angling the crib so everything isn't straight against the walls*

*which looks better?*

We also got registered for our Child Birth Prep class at the end of this month and are going to a car seat and infant CPR class this month with my friend that is also pregnant. I had to put off a breastfeeding class until Dec 14th because of my school class schedule so I'm hoping that isn't too late...I will be 36 weeks at that point. I'm excited to actually learn a little more in depth about what to look forward to or expect.

Such a good daddy...

Jeff is going to be such a good dad. He is excited for the girls to be here and good to take care of whatever he can or is asked to make it a good welcome. The other day while I was at work he finished painting the nursery. It looks nice. It's more yellow then I expected but as we take down the painter's tape it looks better and better. When I thanked him that night for taking care of the painting he said "You're making them a nice room in there so I will make them a nice room here". He's the best. He has always been the one to brag about the twins...before we told any family he was telling coworkers, random people we didn't really know and he even told some random strangers when he interviewed in Boise with them (I think because he was bursting to tell others). He loves to tell his family about the girls and refer to them by name. I love to see him get excited and talk about them. It makes it more real to me. Sometimes I still feel like I'm in a fairy tale land and imagining all of this but I love it when we talk about the girls and make plans for them and us together.

Beautiful Baby...

I'm sure the other baby is just as beautiful but someone was playing shy again at our appointment so we only got a picture of the one :( Thought I would share just the same. She looks like a cutie to me. The second time Dr. B went in for a look she had her foot up by her head...too funny. I think she's sucking on her pinkie in this picture.

The appointment went well. We saw both of the girls (one was head down and one was head up this time). We weren't able to get a good view of the one who was head down. One girl was estimated to be 2 1/2 pounds and the other was just under 3 pounds. Surprisingly the girl with the two-vessel chord was the bigger baby this time. That was encouraging. Also Dr B said my cervix was still long and closed so no known risk of an early labor...YEAH!! Also update time...

How far along? 29 weeks 1 day

Maternity clothes? only wearing maternity pants now and starting to give up on regular shirts (usually not long enough to cover)

Symptoms: I get tired more easily and uncomfortable. I still have slight numbness in my right leg. My left hip is also having soreness issues lately (bring on the waddling at times)...I think mostly from all the squatty kneeling at work.

Stretch marks? nope not that I can tell yet. Trying to remember my lotions and stuff to help.

Weight Gain: ummmmm... around 18 lbs I think.

Sleep? sleeping pretty good. I have to have my body pillow and I've found that if I wake up asleep on my back that it hurts so I try to keep on my sides.

Best moment this week? I loved seeing the 3D u/s and just seeing that the girls are still doing good.

Movement? pretty active...I still feel the one on the left side more but Dr B said it is just because of position and stuff in the way. I feel less big rolls it seems and more jabs and kicks.

Food Cravings? Hot chocolate...I love hot chocolate. I love milk still. I can eat pretty much anything but bacon.

What I miss? Nothing compared to where I am...but I look forward to being able to walk normal again hehe

What I'm looking forward to? still the nursery stuff...painting, arranging furniture, crib bedding and decor (we'll see how much I get done before the November 6th shower). Oh...kind of looking forward to the baby shower but don't like being the center of attention either so we'll see hehe

Milestones: They are getting bigger. One week until first shower now.

Emotions: Nothing too crazy.