Spring, Easter and Eggs

I can say we are officially on our way and would actually officially say this is the beginning of the cycle. I stopped my last provera yesterday and started AF today. I emailed Nurse G and she said that the donor will have her last pill on Saturday and first u/s screen next week and then we'll know more. I hope that this is a good thing. I hope that spring and easter season (a time for new beginning and new life) will bring us luck in this new adventure we're taking (or trying to take). And as someone said on a forum I follow it doesn't hurt that easter is also associated with eggs. Hope we have a lot to work with at the end of April. Until then I am kind of glad that I have school, homework and upcoming finals to focus on so I don't worry as much with this.

Crossing the line?

I have been thinking about the upcoming cycle more lately. It's basically a month from now that they will have egg retrieval and a month and a half from now I could be pregnant. Oh heavens I hope I am. I think more of the positive side of things and how good the chances are for someone with POI to get pregnant with donor eggs (usually the lack of eggs is the only thing holding them back). But I also stay realistic and realize it may not work. This morning I got ultra-hopeful though and actually looked up a hypothetical due date (if things were to go perfectly). It would be mid-January for a singleton and end of December if twins. I kind of hope to at least get into January if twins happen...I was hoping to avoid a Christmas baby. Man I hope I'm not crossing the line or jinxing us by thinking that far ahead...I'm sure it is a little crazy. I guess if it doesn't work this will be one of the first posts I will just delete. I don't think I'd want to be reminded of my craziness or the hypothetical that isn't needed.

I also have days with strange thoughts where I will just think of Jeff and I being child-free the rest of our lives. Or that maybe I will start doing foster care or shelter care. I always admired the families that did that when I worked for DCFS. I still don't know how I feel about adoption. I think I'm just so engrossed in the middle of this that I don't think on it. I would love to have kids but it doesn't terrify me to think of my life with Jeff and not having kids. I very much want to have a family with Jeff but if it doesn't happen I know we will find a new focus and outlook. Travel, photography, service or life as a hermit/recluse (HAHA only kidding). I really just hope we can get what we have worked towards though.

So excited for her...

I have a friend that I met through the POF support groups. I realized after going back in my emails that I have been email friends with her for almost two years now. We have both related on many things over that time and she has been a big support and comfort to me. She married her long time sweetie last year and they went forward with their first attempt at DE IVF. The fresh and frozen attempts did not work and I'm sure she was heartbroken. I was heartbroken for her. They did another attempt recently and there were some initial worries with this too. I don't know if she follows my blog and if so I hope the fact that no names or such being here is okay with her. Anyway they were supposed to know something early this week and I didn't hear from her. I worried and then decided to start thinking of all the possible positive scenarios (keeping the vibe alive on my end). I heard from her today...it was good news and what sounds like some healthy beta numbers. I'm so excited for her and so glad that things so far are good. I hope I get to be in her shoes sometime in the future but for now I'm just reveling in her happy news and success.

Sinking in...

First off...let me amend the insurance comment and post by saying...eh you're okay sometimes I guess. Medco finally came through on the prescriptions and I received the first of my medication (4 bottles of PIO (progesterone in oil), a bottle of estradiol and 20 syringes). Nurse G was saying that the PIO was $37 per vial through their preferred pharmacy and I just got 4 vials for $30, free syringes (YEAH! something for free) and relatively cheap estradiol...so that was a nice little perk. Plus they are on refill now so I will be able to have more sent without the hassle (I hope). Seeing the syringes for the first time in person kind of made me a little bit nauseous. I'm not afraid of needles but the idea of an intramuscular shot isn't so pleasant. Hopefully that won't be too bad though.

I also went to my credit union and withdrew the majority of funds we have in there. It made a nice pretty check that I will be giving to Jeff to deposit in our other account so we can pay it easier to the credit card. When you're dropping this kind of cash it's nice to even get a 2% reward back right? That coupled with receiving the meds in the mail is really making it sink in for me. I am excited but gosh am I nervous too. And I am a nervous puker (TMI I know)...so I can just tell now that before this all comes down that something else will be coming up too.

How to Deal...

Lately I wonder about two things: how I will deal with it if my close friend gets pregnant before me (and especially if I don't) and how I will deal with it if I get pregnant before her. This is my friend who is dealing with PCOS. I know, basically by matter of she told me a while back, that she would stop the birth control pills at the end of January. So I'm sure at this point they are trying again. I have no idea if the new medication she's taking is helping. I don't have the guts or heart to ask her. I don't want to be nosey either...heaven knows having seen this side of things "when are you going to have kids?" is the last question I want to ask. But I worry about this a little. I think I would take her announcing a pregnancy okay if it were before our chance comes but I think I would be devastated inside if things didn't work and I knew it would be a while before we had another chance. I hope I could outwardly be excited and happy for her but I know it would be very hard. I also think about the possible scenario of me getting pregnant before her. I wonder if she would be happy for us or if she would be upset because of her struggle so far...despite Jeff and I being on this road longer. I wouldn't blame her for being upset and when I think of the possible positive for us I also think of how I would tell her. It's ridiculous but sometimes I worry that she would openly say something about the unfairness or such...I don't know how I could handle being her friend if she couldn't be happy for me eventually. Oh well...it's a ways off yet and there's no sense in worrying over milk that hasn't even spilt.

Finally Finished...101 Things to Do List

I got this idea off of another blog that I've been following. I had a big chunk of my list done and started working on things in January but it's taken me a while to come up with the rest. I'm excited to try this and I think it will be fun and hopefully motivating for me to work on goals. I'll keep ya posted on how it goes. **For current update check out my page at top of this blog**

Complete 101 things in 1,001 days

Start: January 15, 2010 End: October 12, 2012

Complete and In Progress

Family

1. Call my parents at least twice a month or more for a year.

2. Send a birthday card to everyone (parents, siblings, nieces/nephews) for a year.

3. Prime and paint the spare bedroom (hopefully for a baby someday)

4. Hold a B-- family dinner night once a month

5. Write thank you notes more often

6. Buy some toys that my nieces and nephews can play with when they come to visit

7. Bring a side dish to D-- family dinner once a month

8. Buy something baby related in hopes that it will happen someday.

9. Start a new tradition

10. Spend more time with my sister

11. Take the big step and don’t look back with regrets…whether it works or not

Love & Marriage

12. Have a date night once every week (date = unique quality time together)

13. Go on a picnic and play games together

14. Make Jeff a homemade gift

15. Take a horse-drawn carriage ride

16. Stay at a bed and breakfast

17. Take a class together (dancing, craft, etc)

18. Surprise love notes or cards once a month

19. Plan for a trip to Paris, France

20. Take up a fitness activity together

21. Have a candle-lit dinner together

22. Do a noticeable surprise service for Jeff once a month

23. Put together dating and wedding memories scrapbook

24. Stop poking Jeff when I tease him…he doesn’t like it

25. Make a list of 101 things I love about Jeff and give it to him

Vacation / Day Trips

26. Go camping (maybe even fishing) together for a weekend

27. Go skiing/snowboarding together

28. Take the fun bus to Wendover

29. Go to an amusement park…not Lagoon

30. Take a trip to see my parents in Florida

31. Go to a southern Utah National Park (Zions, Moab, etc)

32. Go up to Logan for Labor Day weekend and invite Jeff’s family (reignite the tradition)

33. Go bicycling on Antelope Island

34. Go to Yellowstone National Park

Fitness & Sports

35. Run/walk a 5K

36. Don’t drink soda and carbonation (unless you’re sick)

37. Get to 175 lbs and maintain it

38. Buy a water bottle and start drinking more water

39. Walk/run three times a week

40. Be more aware of what I’m eating and making it healthy

41. Learn more about Weight Watcher points system and portion control

Food

42. Eat something out of the ordinary that I haven’t tried before

43. Try a new recipe once a month

44. Watch portion control (eat off a smaller plate; no seconds)

45. Start a cookbook of my favorite recipes

46. Start a rotating menu and grocery list

47. Eat more fruit and veggies

48. Learn to make a French dish and surprise Jeff with it

49. Put together a Family Recipe Book with favorite recipes from Grandma Budge

50. Eat at Taggart’s Grill in Taggart, UT

Charity / Service

51. Pay it forward three times

52. Donate to a good cause that I believe in

53. Angel Tree or other Christmas charity

54. Donate toys, clothes, blankets, etc to a DCFS office or CJC office

55. Send 5 pairs of funky socks and postage to FS.org

56. Make a random treat for a neighbor(s)

57. Give a abnormally large tip to really nice waitress/waiter

Just for fun

58. Take a picture that I really love and blow it up and frame it

59. Finish the dresser Lisa/James gave me

60. Go to a sports game (college level or higher)

61. Give a week or less notice when I quit working for Payless

62. Hang out with a friend or friends once a month

63. Sing karaoke somewhere

64. Play at a park for the day and kite flying

65. Go on a car ride to nowhere and back for fun

66. Pajama day…stay in my pajamas for an entire day

67. Sleep outside underneath the stars (even if it’s just in our backyard)

68. Buy a Weber State clothing item…go team spirit

69. Make something with my sewing machine (curtains, quilt or such)

70. Go skydiving (if I don’t get pregnant)…if I do…well then this is freebie

71. Rent wave-runner(s) and spend the day on the water

72. Go to a shooting range

73. Throw a party/BBQ and invite friends and neighbors over

74. Send a care package to someone who needs it

75. Take more pictures…people, places, memories

76. Make some playlists for my iPod…relaxing, upbeat, inspirational and exercise/running

77. Try a square foot garden

78. Finish decorating Jeff’s office (curtains, curtain on door, hang shelf, etc)

79. Have a water fight (water balloons, squirt guns, etc.)

Better my Mind

80. Read at least one classic book

81. Complete my Associates degree in Health Information Technology

82. Don’t procrastinate homework…get it done at least a day before it’s due

83. Try a new type of yoga or meditation

84. Put at least $100 in savings every month (peace of mind counts right?)

85. Read Jeff’s favorite book…1984

86. Have positive thoughts about myself and others (no negative talk, gossip, etc)

87. Learn to quilt and make at least a pillow or wall hanging type piece

88. Study for and take RHIT exam

Me, myself, and I

89. Have a spa day (minimum of massage + one)

90. Clean out my “junk”- sell, give away or trash it and then maintain this

91. Buy myself a complete outfit in one day (shirt, pants, shoes and accessories)

92. Wear some sort of makeup everyday for a month (minimum mascara, eyeliner and gloss)

93. Have an Anne of Green Gables and Anne of Avonlea marathon…like the good ole days

94. Start a “curse jar” / “negative thought/gossip jar” and put the money in it toward charity

95. Buy 5 pairs of funky socks for my own FS use (1/5)

96. Wash, vacuum, clean and generally pamper my car

97. Sell my camera and get a better one

98. Make/paint a door hanger for our front door

99. Go to bed by 11:00 pm on weeknights

100. Make a wall saying for the picture in the kitchen

101. Buy myself flowers for the kitchen table when I have a hard day (0/5)

How I loathe thee health insurance...

Oh how I loathe thee health insurance. Let me count the ways. How about the fact that you cover nothing. You obviously don't cover IVF or donor IVF...we knew that when we signed up for you. But you also don't cover blood work (which we were told by the RE and were hopeful you would). You don't cover anything to get me pregnant...only things to find out why I'm not getting pregnant. Got a message for you. I already know why I'm not getting pregnant dumb ass so how about you give me a break on some of the compensation for saving you that little detail! Oh and now you want to fight with me and the RE's office over whether to cover my medication or not...when you already said it would be covered! Are you kidding me? What do we have to do to actually get anything back for paying our premiums. We doubt you'll pay anything on Jeff's sperm testing but we're sending it in anyway...even if it's just to prove to the IRS that we tried. The only hopeful ray of sunshine I have with you right now is that you might cover maternity care if by some miracle with the help of science I actually get pregnant. I hope I do...both so we can have a family and so I can screw you over somehow with something you actually have to pay out on!