Grateful for time...

I was thinking the other night at work how grateful I am that I have been able to enjoy married life with Jeff without the additional stress and responsibility of kids. We have traveled and done a lot of fun things together that we wouldn't have been able to do otherwise. We have grown together and built a better relationship. I have really enjoyed it. And although I hope it isn't like this for a lot longer...maybe I would be okay. I hope it never comes down to forever without kids but at the same time to put so much focus on a kid makes it kinda seem like life isn't good enough without them. Life is good. Life might be better if and when we have a family but life is good right now too. I love Jeff and I love him more everyday. I am so grateful for him and for the time that we've had to grow.

Vitamins and Hope

So I bought some prenatal vitamins at the store yesterday. Does this mean I'm allowing myself to be hopeful? UCRM didn't officially say anything about taking prenatals prior to a cycle (at least not yet) but I figure it can't hurt. I compared them to my daily vitamins (the ones I try to take but mostly fail to...they're expired now). There is some variation between the two but mostly the same. I figure I can start taking prenatals in February since I've read that you should start taking them before you try to get pregnant (maybe that's just a marketing ploy but who cares). Let's face it. I am hopeful. I feel like I'm getting my hopes up and I really really hope they aren't brought back down. I do still remind myself every time I think of being pregnant that it might not work. But my gut still keeps saying "oh come on Michelle...70-75% chance of it working and hopefully even better odds since you have no uterine/cervical problems". Please just let this work...please don't make me go back to the way I felt right after I was diagnosed. Hopeless, rejected and depressed. I didn't like that and I'd prefer to remain hopeful until told otherwise.

Shy but perfect...my cervix not me

I'm not allowed to be shy anymore. After all we just finished our IVF consult and I got to flash three people. Yeah! They say that when you are pregnant and have continual exams and such that by the time you have the child you don't care who sees your "stuff". Well I think I'm already to that point and I've never even been pregnant.

Our IVF consult was yesterday. They did an U/S of my uterus again and also a trial transfer. Jeff and I were alone waiting in the exam room for 10-15 minutes and started joking around. We have definitely seen some interesting twists to our sense of humors with all of this infertility stuff. We were joking about my bladder being full during the last U/S and also about the resident who was at the exam. I was saying how I hoped it was only Dr. G this time. About the time I said that the knock at the door revealed Dr. G, a female resident and a nurse. Wahoo...isn't three a crowd?? So they did the u/s to look at my uterus. Once again Dr. G says "a beautiful uterus" and "most perfect uterus I've seen in a while". Hear that future (hopeful) kid(s)...I'm giving ya a perfect place so kick up your feet and stay a while.

Dr. G then prepared for the trial transfer and had a little trouble getting my cervix centered and joked "you have a shy cervix" and I felt like saying well you've got three people down there looking at it I'd be shy too but I decided against it. Dr. G then said I also had a perfect cervix too. The resident joked with me about being doubly perfect and we laughed a little. The trial transfer was not bad at all which I found comforting since I've read some women have a horrible time with it. And supposedly the real transfer will be easier so that's good.

We also met with Nurse G again. She had our cycle calendar for us. Wow! That really put things into perspective for me. She talked about the meds I would be taking and the things that Jeff would need to do. She talked to us about the retrieval dates and transfer dates. Goodness it seems surreal that we really will be doing this and having this chance. She praised the donor and asked at the end if we were excited. We were but it was weird to have it all out there in front of us. After two years of working toward this it seems so...unbelievable. I can't express how excited and nervous I am for this and how much I hope that it works. I can picture it working and I'm very hopeful but I also have to remind myself to stay grounded in case things don't go so well.

We have a winner...

We received the first donor profile in the mail. I really liked her and Jeff liked her but felt like we should see a couple more before we decided anything. So we asked Nurse G to send us a couple more that were a little more close to me (us) appearance wise since that was our small hang up. Donor #1 had hazel eyes and brown hair and her family all had brown eyes except for one blue eyed grandparent. We received two more profiles about a week ago. One was a new donor (#3) and one had donated before (#2). The new donor was not ideal in my eyes right away...as she had no previous pregnancies or cycles and also some autoimmune health history and a family member with drug/alcohol addiction. Donor #2 was a closer match to me in looks but Jeff and I both felt more comfortable with the first one still. So we have a winner with donor #1...I hope we really have a winner when it comes down to it.

I feel really good about donor #1 though. She has a good health history, good grades and previous success (at least on her own) and cycles (though we're not allowed to know if previous ones resulted in pregnancy). She also majored in the same degree that I did in school and she has a lot of the same interests I do too (crafts, decorating and photography). I feel like those things are more important to me then the looks or grades (although it doesn't hurt that those are great too). It's silly but I almost feel like we are being led to her as a match...like confirming this is a good one. I also feel like I can picture talking to our child about how we chose this donor and feeling closer to her because of these commonalities. And have some hope that maybe this child will also have some common ground with me like that.

Anyway we confirmed things with Nurse G to hopefully use this donor. Nurse G was happy about her and really has positive things to say about this girl (both personality/interaction and actual cycle wise). We're hoping to plan a cycle for the end of April so I would be in between semesters with school. Gosh I get so nervous and excited to think about it. It's hard to not tell people about it but at the same time I really want to keep it private. I know people are already rooting for us even if they don't know the exact time frame it might happen.

Grandkids...granddogs??

I hope I don't ever offend anyone with this post. I am really blessed with great in-laws and I count myself lucky that I enjoy them since my own parents aren't close by (to enjoy as much as I would like) right now. When we first got Thor and brought him to Draper sunday dinners at Jeff's parents' house it was more like he was fun and a dog...something for the kids to play with and enjoy. We still mainly bring him so that the kids can play with him (and so he doesn't leave his "leavings" at home in the house). But lately Thor has been treated and (sometimes almost referred to) as a granddog. It's cute and I'll never complain that both my parents and Jeff's recognize Thor as part of our family because he is. And where I notice it the most (at Jeff's parents) I realize it's probably in an effort to make us feel comfortable with the kid situation and possibly even some longing for a grand child being projected on our dog. Sometimes I just enjoy it and find it humorous and other times it kind of makes me sad. I don't really know how to explain it. Makes me feel kind of like he's our "kid" because we can't have kids or something or like I'm disappointing myself and others with this. Most of the time I admit that it does make me feel more included and "taken care of" though so that is always nice.

Maybe Thor will find some down time again soon though. Becky, Jeff's sister, announced over the weekend that she was pregnant. They have three kids right now and Becky swore up and down that they didn't want anymore. But low and behold they got pregnant by "surprise" still. There is something about "surprise" pregnancies that just gets under your skin when you can't even get an "on purpose" pregnancy. How can it be so easy and even unplanned for some and others try for years without any success. I guess I shouldn't complain as Jeff and I were both "surprise" babies too...we wouldn't be alive or together if it wasn't for things like that but it still just stings a little. We are really happy and excited for Becky and Brian though and hope that it all goes well. Hope too that someday we'll be in those shoes.

Just a number

I've been starting my Spring semester at school and I'm taking Diagnostic Coding. After getting into this class a little it doesn't surprise me at all that the healthcare and insurance field can be kind of "cold" and distant. Like everything you can think of and more is down to a number. I am 256.31 (premature menopause...which actually POI doesn't fit the definition in the coding book...YEAH) or 256.2 (if I believe RAI played a role) or 256.39 (if you go by POI definition...I think). I feel like Jean Valjean in Les Miserable where the only thing Javier knows Valjean by is his prison number 24601.

From an informational and organizational standard it's not something you can change. But why expect them to understand the depth of the condition when all they know it by is a number?

I am a list...

I have been categorized, prioritized and minimized down to a list. I have become a set number of characteristics and traits...a list. Me. Right down there on that paper (or word file since we used the computer). After all Jeff and I had to narrow me down to a list of characteristics and personality traits and hopes. Hopes for someone else to be even somewhat like me so that it can feel like I have some connection beyond an umbilical cord to this possible baby. It was kind of depressing. It was kind of hopeful. It was really strange. Strange to see myself in a matter of items and qualities that embodied me and what I would have liked to pass onto a child if I had been given the opportunity. Was it more important to pass on hopeful eye color and appearance or to pass on hopeful personality traits or a chance at being intelligent or healthy. It really makes you think when you realize that you are choosing those possibilities and ranking them in an order. We never really considered it as an idealized baby or "designer baby". We wanted things that I possessed or was like to be on the list. I found myself thinking it was good to have a donor who resembled us both (fair skin, light eyes, brownish blonde hair) so that maybe between Jeff and the donor it would look like Jeff and I. But then as Jeff suggested something of his personality traits or interests, I found myself saying he already had his input on those via his sperm whereas I did not. I realized again it wasn't me that would be contributing 1/2 of the DNA. Although it was kind of sad to look at the list of "me" it was also encouraging to know that this was a step in the right direction.

We emailed the list to Nurse G, our DE coordinator with UCRM, and the next day she had sent us an email back saying that she was reviewing donor profiles and felt she had a good match for us. She explained the donor had donated twice before and had produced 22 eggs the first time and 19 the second time. They sent her profile to us in the mail and we're supposed to go over it and let her know what we think. Yah and I thought things were moving fast before.