We have a winner...

We received the first donor profile in the mail. I really liked her and Jeff liked her but felt like we should see a couple more before we decided anything. So we asked Nurse G to send us a couple more that were a little more close to me (us) appearance wise since that was our small hang up. Donor #1 had hazel eyes and brown hair and her family all had brown eyes except for one blue eyed grandparent. We received two more profiles about a week ago. One was a new donor (#3) and one had donated before (#2). The new donor was not ideal in my eyes right away...as she had no previous pregnancies or cycles and also some autoimmune health history and a family member with drug/alcohol addiction. Donor #2 was a closer match to me in looks but Jeff and I both felt more comfortable with the first one still. So we have a winner with donor #1...I hope we really have a winner when it comes down to it.

I feel really good about donor #1 though. She has a good health history, good grades and previous success (at least on her own) and cycles (though we're not allowed to know if previous ones resulted in pregnancy). She also majored in the same degree that I did in school and she has a lot of the same interests I do too (crafts, decorating and photography). I feel like those things are more important to me then the looks or grades (although it doesn't hurt that those are great too). It's silly but I almost feel like we are being led to her as a match...like confirming this is a good one. I also feel like I can picture talking to our child about how we chose this donor and feeling closer to her because of these commonalities. And have some hope that maybe this child will also have some common ground with me like that.

Anyway we confirmed things with Nurse G to hopefully use this donor. Nurse G was happy about her and really has positive things to say about this girl (both personality/interaction and actual cycle wise). We're hoping to plan a cycle for the end of April so I would be in between semesters with school. Gosh I get so nervous and excited to think about it. It's hard to not tell people about it but at the same time I really want to keep it private. I know people are already rooting for us even if they don't know the exact time frame it might happen.

Grandkids...granddogs??

I hope I don't ever offend anyone with this post. I am really blessed with great in-laws and I count myself lucky that I enjoy them since my own parents aren't close by (to enjoy as much as I would like) right now. When we first got Thor and brought him to Draper sunday dinners at Jeff's parents' house it was more like he was fun and a dog...something for the kids to play with and enjoy. We still mainly bring him so that the kids can play with him (and so he doesn't leave his "leavings" at home in the house). But lately Thor has been treated and (sometimes almost referred to) as a granddog. It's cute and I'll never complain that both my parents and Jeff's recognize Thor as part of our family because he is. And where I notice it the most (at Jeff's parents) I realize it's probably in an effort to make us feel comfortable with the kid situation and possibly even some longing for a grand child being projected on our dog. Sometimes I just enjoy it and find it humorous and other times it kind of makes me sad. I don't really know how to explain it. Makes me feel kind of like he's our "kid" because we can't have kids or something or like I'm disappointing myself and others with this. Most of the time I admit that it does make me feel more included and "taken care of" though so that is always nice.

Maybe Thor will find some down time again soon though. Becky, Jeff's sister, announced over the weekend that she was pregnant. They have three kids right now and Becky swore up and down that they didn't want anymore. But low and behold they got pregnant by "surprise" still. There is something about "surprise" pregnancies that just gets under your skin when you can't even get an "on purpose" pregnancy. How can it be so easy and even unplanned for some and others try for years without any success. I guess I shouldn't complain as Jeff and I were both "surprise" babies too...we wouldn't be alive or together if it wasn't for things like that but it still just stings a little. We are really happy and excited for Becky and Brian though and hope that it all goes well. Hope too that someday we'll be in those shoes.

Just a number

I've been starting my Spring semester at school and I'm taking Diagnostic Coding. After getting into this class a little it doesn't surprise me at all that the healthcare and insurance field can be kind of "cold" and distant. Like everything you can think of and more is down to a number. I am 256.31 (premature menopause...which actually POI doesn't fit the definition in the coding book...YEAH) or 256.2 (if I believe RAI played a role) or 256.39 (if you go by POI definition...I think). I feel like Jean Valjean in Les Miserable where the only thing Javier knows Valjean by is his prison number 24601.

From an informational and organizational standard it's not something you can change. But why expect them to understand the depth of the condition when all they know it by is a number?

I am a list...

I have been categorized, prioritized and minimized down to a list. I have become a set number of characteristics and traits...a list. Me. Right down there on that paper (or word file since we used the computer). After all Jeff and I had to narrow me down to a list of characteristics and personality traits and hopes. Hopes for someone else to be even somewhat like me so that it can feel like I have some connection beyond an umbilical cord to this possible baby. It was kind of depressing. It was kind of hopeful. It was really strange. Strange to see myself in a matter of items and qualities that embodied me and what I would have liked to pass onto a child if I had been given the opportunity. Was it more important to pass on hopeful eye color and appearance or to pass on hopeful personality traits or a chance at being intelligent or healthy. It really makes you think when you realize that you are choosing those possibilities and ranking them in an order. We never really considered it as an idealized baby or "designer baby". We wanted things that I possessed or was like to be on the list. I found myself thinking it was good to have a donor who resembled us both (fair skin, light eyes, brownish blonde hair) so that maybe between Jeff and the donor it would look like Jeff and I. But then as Jeff suggested something of his personality traits or interests, I found myself saying he already had his input on those via his sperm whereas I did not. I realized again it wasn't me that would be contributing 1/2 of the DNA. Although it was kind of sad to look at the list of "me" it was also encouraging to know that this was a step in the right direction.

We emailed the list to Nurse G, our DE coordinator with UCRM, and the next day she had sent us an email back saying that she was reviewing donor profiles and felt she had a good match for us. She explained the donor had donated twice before and had produced 22 eggs the first time and 19 the second time. They sent her profile to us in the mail and we're supposed to go over it and let her know what we think. Yah and I thought things were moving fast before.

Finally Rolling...

The ball seems to finally be rolling. The DE coordinator from UCRM contacted us just before Christmas to see where we were at and what our plan was for the new year and cycling there. I was planning to contact her first part of January so it was nice to see her taking action and concern. We were planning to cycle in April and start running tests in January to prepare for that. I told her that and she came back with an email of some "first things first" and things we needed to get doing soon. The first thing is Jeff needs to go do the hamster penetration assay / sperm analysis. We have joked about this since our IVF consult in June/July. They analyse his sperm, including a penetration test with a hamster egg. In theory to test whether his fellas could fertilize the egg when the real thing goes down. So we have to do that this month and then schedule other appointments in February. It was exciting to actually see some pressure to get things done and feel like we were on a time schedule. It was weird to finally be here where it was only months away from now.

For the first time we were scheduling things around it (or trying to). We had decided to keep things quiet and to ourselves until we get results (maybe even a little longer if they are positive results...to be sure it sticks). This meant no telling or talking to parents, family or friends about it. Well our good friends Lisa and James wanted to get some people together and go 4-wheeling and stay at a cabin this spring. Guess when they wanted to go. In April. It was only a weekend trip but we didn't want to be stressed out or doing injections at the time. So without telling them why we tried to suggest the trip be at the beginning of April (blaming it on my school). They wanted to go further out so it wasn't snowy or muddy at the cabin/resort place. Blah! So then we tried middle of April (finals week for school). So then we shifted our plan to do this weekend trip and also the cycle to late April...which by then I was okay with because I didn't realize finals were so soon and would rather do the cycle between semesters. I guess this is the nice thing about donor cycles. The donor will be doing most of the injections and the synchronized stuff during April while I'm stressing over finals and going on weekend outings. I'm okay with giving her that.

I just almost can't believe it's getting within range now. They gave us a tentative transfer date of May 5th. At first I thought "okay that's 5 months away" and then I realized it was actually 4 months away. Then I thought of how that's the transfer date and the cycle will actually start sometime probably early April. So yah, wow 3 months or so from now we will be starting a cycle.

New Year...New Leaf

Welcome 2010! I always think it's good to start a new year. I have resolutions this year that I'm hoping I'll stick to. 2009 was horrible for my caffeine and carbonation consumption both of which are horrible on your bones. I broke a 15+ year long habit of not drinking caffeinated drinks (religious preference) and began indulging in regular Dr Pepper (oh how I will miss thee). So first and foremost for my new goals is to stop drinking soda and carbonation (take care of my already-at-risk bones). Next goal is to be happier...not get hung up on how people behave or how I let them influence me...main focus here is my road rage (okay I've never chased anyone down or been crazy) but I will stop yelling or cursing at bad drivers and stop flipping them off. Those are my two main focuses...that and to be organized and do well in school. I also am going to try to go to WSU gym after or before my classes this semester...exercise is always a good goal. I really hope 2010 goes well.

Better...

I'm getting more excited about the holidays. Maybe because I'm wrapping up my shopping and there are presents under the tree. I always get excited to give presents to people and find a good gift for the hard-to-shop-for. I feel better about the holidays and I'm looking forward to them more now. My sister is spending Christmas with us and I'm excited about that and love to spend time with her. I feel lucky to be where I am and to have a warm home and a job and an education (continuing education even) and those are just touching on the blessing that are "things" and as they say...The greatest things in this world are not things.

I look forward to the coming year and to finish school and hopefully to come a few steps closer to our goal. Merry Christmas in the meantime :)

Our Christmas Decor...Andrea, Jeff, Michelle and Thor's stockings all hung with care...in hopes that Saint Nicholas soon will be there