Anyway I've recently been put in charge to do a lot of loose filing. Some of this includes radiology sheets and reports. Some of these also include women who have had ultrasounds done on their female parts for various reasons. They measure the ovary size (for cysts and what not) and lining. I've just been comparing these measurements to my own...the one's I had done at the NIH the summer of 2008. One of my ovaries I seem to remember was about 1 cc (very small) and the other they couldn't even find. I see these reports and notice these "normal" women (some much older then me) who have ovaries that are 3 or 4 times the size of my own. And for the silliest reason sometimes I feel jealous of them. Jealous that they have functioning ovaries and don't have things to worry about that I worry about. I worry about osteoporosis and I worry about the ability to breastfeed when the babies are born and I worry about my long-term health. I hope it all turns out and I do feel like it will. But you just worry anyway I guess.
POF/POI just seems to come with PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) in some ways. Like I still find myself immediately get emotional and tearful when I think of the day I received my diagnosis. When I think of how I can't do things that most women my age can do (ie get pregnant without footing a bill). When I consider that this may be the only kids Jeff and I ever have (maybe that'll be by choice anyway...who knows) but just to think that the ability to do things on our own isn't there. We are incredibly blessed to have so many frosties left if we were to decide to pursue using them but there's no guarantee it would work again (especially with frozen rates).
I never expected to stop thinking about my POI completely but I didn't think I would worry about it for a while after we had DE IVF success under our belt and sweet babies to care for. I guess maybe it's just hormones and normal worry. Or I guess you just never get past it 100%. I sure have a lot of great things to look forward too though and I'm so excited for that. I'm so grateful to be here. I'm so grateful and happy for these beautiful baby girls and so excited to be parents to them. It'll definitely be an adventure.
1 comment:
I can definitely relate to what your saying. I get teary-eyed everytime I talk about my diagnosis (which is why I don't publicize my POI to just anyone)--and I'm not even pregnant. Once you have children, you do worry about your own health--you want to be healthy for your children and live a life where you can see them grow. Your feelings are very natural. You'll make a great Mommy!
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