Complex Inferiority?

Do you ever feel inferior?  Not even that.  Do you ever feel or think others see you as inferior?  That their children were created so easily or so "normally" or whatever it may be and your children were brought about by so much hard work and fought for with tears and shots, needles and (at least in our case) another woman's eggs.

I've never felt inferior myself.  I have never felt my children are or were.  Not in my eyes.  Not in the eyes of close family that know the details.  But sometimes I wonder just a little if behind closed doors if there is a twinge of people (okay let's face it mainly our close friends...the only people outside of family that know anything about the donor aspect; but also I've been more open about the infertility and IVF that even not so close friends know that part) and sometimes I wonder if these people are thinking "I'm glad he/she is 100% both of us" and "Isn't it awesome that we were able to create this life without all of that technology".  Like when my friend tells the story of her first ob/gyn prenatal appointment she never leaves out the part of the doctor saying "you guys did it all on your own" (a year of trying and then after a few months of Metformin they got lucky) as if it's a huge accomplishment.  Yeah!  Go you!  I'm glad that they didn't have to go through more.  But sometimes I feel cheapened (not exactly the right word but hopefully you get it) by the fact I couldn't do it on my own.  Probably not in a million years.  I'm definitely not hung up on that fact anymore but sometimes I wonder what people really think about infertility and ART treatment and procedures when I'm not there.

Do they feel like they are better than me?  Or their children are?  Do the fertile feel superior to the infertile friends they might have?  Are they simply grateful they weren't in those shoes or are they actually somewhat smug about it?  Or do they not even consider that my story or your story could have been theirs?  Maybe this is just my insecure side thinking and speaking.  I really don't think I'm inferior (if anything I feel a little above equal because we worked for it so hard) and I am beyond blessed to have what I have in my life...no matter what road it took to get us here.  But I sometimes wonder about this kind of thing.

POF pisses me off

Honestly I despise POF (premature ovarian failure; aka POI premature ovarian insufficiency).  I'm not sure if now after having kids if it pisses me off more on the infertility side or the "old lady" factor or the health conscious side or the "what if" side.

I don't even know if we will want to have another child from our totsicles in the future.  We are so incredibly blessed and happy with our two wonderful girls right now.  We'll always be happy with them but I still wonder if I'd like to give it another go around with a singleton and sibling for them.  I'm not so much worried about deciding or discussing.  It would be a while and the snow angels aren't going anywhere.  But some days it bothers me.  Like when friends who had kids just before I got pregnant are now announcing number 2 and I sit and wonder how that would be (to get pregnant on my own...not have #2 obviously hehe).

Sometimes it's simply what I call the "old lady" factor.  I feel old sometimes.  Past my prime.  When other women in my age bracket haven't even hit their prime.  I feel like I am worrying about things that women my age don't even consider (ie heart disease, osteoporosis, etc).  I wonder if I would have more energy or an easier time with my weight or even a better libido.  I worry if I will age faster or get wrinkles sooner or just basically look older than I am.

I have mentioned it before but I'm back working nights in the medical records temporarily as they prepare to move stuff off-site.  The other night I was sorting radiology files and again found myself comparing my ovary measurement (from 2007) with the women I saw there.  The young women were hitting multiple times my 1cc volume ovary measurement (some obviously with cystic issues in the opposite direction of the problem I have).  But then I beat out a 54 year old lady who had both ovaries measuring in under 1 cc.  Of course one of mine wasn't even visible for the ultrasound so there I go again a 54 year old technically functioning better then I was at 27 years old.  Heaven knows I've only declined even more since then.

I don't miss my genetic children.  I used to.  But there a no longer "what if" questions in the realm at all.  I really wouldn't trade my girls for the world when it comes to that.  It's just all the other darn stuff that POF comes with.  Why can't it just be one or the other instead of all of these other issues on top of infertility.  All I can say is grrrrrrrrrrr!

8 Months Old

Weight:  I'm not sure on height.  We weighed them at the airport during our 4 hour delay coming home (the things we entertain ourselves with).  Kendall was 17 lbs and Seren was 18 lbs.

Eating:  8 oz of formula every 3 1/2 to 4 hours and baby food that I make myself. 

Foods They Like:  Cheerios and cereal puffs (they love them), apples, pears, sweet potatoes, squash, beans, carrots, parsnips, etc.

Foods They Don't:  They still don't love tart food but they are starting to like them.  Peas and green beans (I think we need more exposure to the basics).

Favorite Things:  They still love each other (more and more).  They liked the airport and all the people.  They both usually love people...no stranger anxiety here yet.  They love my parents and really enjoyed playing and being with them.  They like trying new foods now and pretty much want to taste anything we have. 

Dislikes:  Being hungry and tired.  Not being able to mobilize better.  The ocean (sad).  We took the to the surf's edge and tried that first.  They freaked out and cried.  So then we held them and brought them in the water with us.  They cried and screamed.  This was the first attempt.  The second attempt was better and they didn't cry or scream but also didn't enjoy it. 

Their Accomplishments:  Both girls are sitting on their own pretty well.  Kendall started army crawling in Florida and has become pretty good at it already.  Seren scoots backwards but is also up on her knees and rocking.  Kendall moves her knees but hasn't figured out the hands to "real" crawling.  They are great eaters.  Seren is a babbler and says "ba ba" "ma ma" "da da" and other syllables.  Both girls are blowing raspberries.  Still no teeth but I love their toothless smiles.

Our Accomplishments:  We have them on a good schedule for eating, napping and sleeping.  We take them out when we want to (their being able to sit in high chairs makes this so much easier).  We took our first flight with them from Utah to Florida to see my parents and they did wonderful!  

Sleep: Still sticking to our routine of bedtime bottle, bath time (sometimes a wash down and others just getting wet), change into PJs and then a story and to bed.  LOVE IT!!  

Looking forward to:  Kind of excited (and nervous) for them to start crawling and be more mobile.  Looking forward to moving beyond purees and having more fun with their food eventually.  

DE Mom musings:  I haven't thought a lot about it this month.  We had some more in depth talks with my parents about the donor egg process and how we chose a donor but nothing major.  I didn't feel insecure or bad about it.  For the most part the donor egg aspect is such a small piece in the back of my mind usually.  I honestly forget they aren't genetically my kids.

Another change

This will be short. We are loving our vacation with my parents and the girls have been so wonderful and lovey with them also. Kendall started army crawling while we were here and Seren has been chatting up everyone she meets. Anyway I was still wanting to change the feel and look of this blog and during our travel to get here I had an idea for a new blog name and URL. I once read a blog of a parent of twins that said when people say "you've got your hands full" they answered with "better full than empty" and I really liked this and tried to use it a couple times. Then another phrase occurred to me to answer with "yes...and hearts to match". So there you have it. The reason and story behind the change. New design and look to follow (I hope).

Choices and Sacrifice...

Being a stay-at-home-mom isn't always the preference of every woman.  I love being able to be home with our girls.  But it's not like it doesn't come with sacrifice.  And it's not like there aren't days where I long to be back at work or making some money.  But we made this decision for me to be home when things were easier.  And basically out of necessity also.  Two infants in daycare is not cost effective, especially with what I was doing for work.  We also don't have family close enough to help in watching our kiddos either.  And even that is definitely nothing I would expect for free.

So when my friend says something to me in the realm of "it's not like I get to be home with her all day like you do" in regards to her daughter.  And I hear this tinge of jealousy and "your spoiled" attitude behind it.  I want to roll my eyes.  I believe she'd rather be home with her daughter.  But they've determined to continue their lifestyle and use family for free daycare in exchange for occasional babysitting or whatever arrangement they have.  I honestly don't believe it's not possible for her to be home but rather a choice made.  I don't know their financial situation exactly but have an idea that it would be similar to our own (minus one kid), especially now that Jeff's job has changed.  Can I say I wouldn't make the same choice to bring in some money if we had the options for "daycare" like they do?  Not really...I probably would.  I would be sad to leave the girls behind (even with family) but it would be nice to contribute more than I'm able to now.  I am working part time at night for now, kind of a God send during our current financial situation.  So that is nice.

So while my husband and I joke about "Ramen Wednesdays" and realize that we'll probably be giving up future vacations and other luxuries to pay for life, our friends are going out to eat frequently, splurging on fun activities and I'm sure saving nice chunks of money.  So really...if she wants to complain about leaving her kid behind to go to work all I have to say (or at least think) is that it's her choice.

**I am not making an argument or commentary one way or another for stay-at-home moms or working moms.  I definitely can see the benefit to both.  Heck if I made good money that would balance out daycare I think I would have a lot more inner debate on the topic with myself.  So I guess maybe it's kind of a weird blessing to not have much choice right now.

And then there were three... (aka Am I Crazy?)

No this isn't a post about any plans to add to our family right now.  Our frosties are still chilling and will continue to do so for another year or two until we decide what to do with them.

This is more of I'm contemplating watching my friend's little girl, L, (5 months old) a couple days a week for a couple of hours.  I kind of already told her I would give it a try.  I'm nervous at the idea.  A 5 month old and two 7 month old babies for even a couple hours a day may be enough to make me a little crazy.  But they are still working out the details as to if this is doable by her sister-in-law (who watches L for the first part of the day).  I agreed to try it for a couple of weeks to see how it goes and then if it doesn't go well to give them another couple of weeks to figure something else out (so trying it for a month).

Am I insane?  I feel a little bit crazy.  But then I think I've learned to juggle two pretty easily so what is the harm in adding one more on for like 4 hours a week.  We'll see if my easy going attitude sticks once it actually moves forward.  I'm also a little bothered at the aspect of doing this in a "free of charge" kind of way.  There wasn't really a mention of paying me.  I figured once they solidified the plan that they would offer at least.  We were all out together the night she asked me.  My DH brought up something nicely about compensation and it was basically a "we'll watch your kids whenever you need it" deal.  Hmmmmm...I don't know.  How often do I actually see us asking them to watch the girls? (they are usually the ones we would be going out with).  I know her family (sister-in-law and mother) watch L for free but is it right to expect the same out of a friend?? (no matter how good of a friend it is).  Especially a friend who definitely already has her hands full.  And then there is the possibility that we are going to be strapped for money for a while.  So we might really be able to use a little cash flow (even a very small amount) in anyway we can get it.

Would you do this for a good friend for free?  Would you expect some form of payment?  If so, how much and how would you tactfully bring this up?  Is it even manageable for one person to take on 3 babies this close in age?  I don't want any of them to suffer because my care is stretched too thin.  I'm not talking like drastic suffering as I wouldn't dream of that but just lack or less of attention for L and then less attention for my girls who already share me.  Blah!  Why can't I just have a clone of me?

Advice Please...

This is a post related to a womanly problem.  If you have any advice regarding this please leave it...I'm at a loss as to what to do.

After having the girls and going to my ob/gyn appointment I decided to go with LoSeasonique as a form of birth control and hormone replacement.  I put off taking it for a couple weeks...wondering if my body would kick out anything on it's own.  I have been diagnosed with POI/POF for 3 + years now so I wasn't expecting much but was curious.  Nothing happened so I started taking the pill and 2 weeks later I started a period (without going placebo or missing pills).  I decided to stop the pill and start over when the period ended.  It ended and I waited maybe a week so I'd be on the right day of the pack.  Started the pill again and again about 2 weeks later started another period.  So then I stopped the pill for a month to see if my body was doing anything or if this was just some pill related fluke.  Nothing.  Started the pill again a few weeks ago and this time I went about 3 weeks and now again I am having spotting (I considered this a normal adjustment and kept taking it) and today more like a full-blown period.

POI/POF ladies:  Has this happened to you at any time?  What is your best approach to dealing with spotting or "off kilter" periods in the middle of birth control or HRT??  I find POI so infuriating to try to figure out!  Moms on birth control:  What is your experience with starting birth control after having a baby??

** Also, I don't have current insurance due to a change in jobs at our house so I can't just go see a doctor right now **