Support Groups

I was just thinking today how grateful I am for support groups. I never really saw myself belonging to one. But then POF came along and I felt I had no where to turn and absolutely no one who knew what it felt like to have this happen. When I found the POF support group online I didn't feel like such a freak of nature anymore. And honestly the ability to know I wasn't alone and have others to relate is what really made me start coming out of the depression I'd fallen into and start getting back to living my life. I've met some wonderful women through that site and gained support from a network that wouldn't be possible if it weren't for modern technology and the internet.

In my patriarchal blessing through the LDS church it says something about how I will be blessed by the time and age of technology that I am born into. I haven't really thought about that a lot before until now but I am blessed by having modern technology, modern medicine and advances in these areas. And because of this I can still make the choice to pursue having children that will be nourished by my body and be part of me even if not biologically, despite POF. I guess that's why I can't believe that donor egg invitro is wrong. I believe in adoption just as whole heartedly but I also believe I was born at this time so that I could have the choice.

For unto US a child is born...

This is a thought from Krista Oakes who wrote a book on infertility from an LDS perspective. The thought came from a message board that I follow sometimes. Anyway it just really lifted my spirits this season and I wanted to leave it here for others to enjoy also:

Christmas is all about a baby who was born under normally impossible conditions. Mary was a virgin and as such had a 0% chance of conceiving naturally. But God had a plan, and the miracle happened. The baby we celebrate at Christmas is our Savior, who lived and took upon himself all that we must bear in this life. He triumphed over it all. He is the great source of hope for us, no matter our circumstance. As the scriptures say, "for unto US a child is born." He was born for all of us, and I am happy to celebrate his coming into the world. There are so many things that can distract us from that reality of Christmas, but if we keep our eye on the Savior it is a joyous time of year.

I also love the Christmas story, because it tells us of another baby who was born -- this time to Elisabeth, who was post-menopausal. You've heard me talk about their story before. She and her husband Zacharias were righteous temple workers who lived in a culture that considered fertility to be a sign of God's favor. We can relate to their frustration, as they surely wondered why their prayers for a child went unanswered. I can imagine their despair when Elisabeth reached menopause. And then - finally - their son John was born, in another miracle that fulfilled a specific purpose at a specific time. I love hearing these reminders that children come when and how they are supposed to, regardless of the obstacles that would make it otherwise impossible. With God, nothing is impossible.

We are blessed and we are loved -- all of us are. We may have righteous desires that are unfulfilled, and our longing is evidence of our righteousness. But we can rejoice in the child who was born "unto us" more than two millennia ago. Because of him we have so much to be grateful for, and so much to look forward to. Today's pains will ultimately be swallowed up in mercy and joy as we come unto him. I know this to be true, and I am so thankful for that knowledge

The Christmas Feeling...

Man I'm complaining a lot lately. I realize that I am but it feels better to have it out there then stewing in my brain. We got a Christmas card from one of my old roommates yesterday that announced they were expecting their first child. It was cute and a fun little way to announce things I guess. But I just had that feeling of envy again. I kept it to myself for a while but later that night I just sat with Jeff in front of the Christmas tree in tears. I kept thinking "I don't want to be them...I just don't want to be me". I don't have a strong desire to have a kid or to be pregnant so it's not like I'm jealous of them...I'm just so jealous that they can do that and make that decision and get there.

I wish too that it hadn't been announced around Christmas. I'm sure to the couple who can get pregnant the normal way that it seems like the perfect time to announce that type of thing. But to the person or couple who can't it just feels like a slap in the face at a time of year when you may already have a tough enough time being around family and all the kids and kid-oriented stuff. Last year I was depressed because I found out "officially" that I had ovarian failure and now this year that announcement just reminded me again (just in time for Christmas).

I hope that my mood improves for tonight as we are having family over for Christmas Eve. I suppose there are many people who have it worse off this Christmas and I am grateful for all I do have. I guess there are things we will always envy about others...my sister-in-law envies our new house and I envy her with her three cute little kids. Time to just be happy with what we have right and for the ultimate gift that we were all given through Christ's birth.

Overcoming jealousy

I've never really been one to be jealous. I've been happy with what I've been given and I've typically tried to get what I didn't have. But I feel like now with all this POF/infertility stuff that maybe I won't be able to get what I want. Lately I am jealous a lot when I see others with children. Not jealous that I don't have one but jealous that it seems so easy for them to get there. There weren't thousands of dollars saved and spent for most of these babies to be conceived. There weren't thoughts of if it would ever happen for some parents either. I don't really understand how it would feel to think that way...I feel like I've never been able to think that way. I don't even put sex and getting pregnant in the same thought process anymore...sometimes it doesn't even occur to me that that's how it usually works for most people.

Jeff and I went to a family gathering tonight. It was with my Aunt and Uncle's family and kids and my immediate family too. My Aunt and Uncle have 4 kids and a number of grandchildren. No fertility troubles going on there. I love kids and I love being around kids but I just kept thinking: why me? why us? why of all the things that could happen did this happen? I just felt so jealous of them and of these cute kids. These cute kids that look like their parents. I want things to be easy or easier like that. But I can't do anything to change it...I just need to find a way to overcome this type of jealousy.

Song on the radio...

This is probably a somewhat nonsense or silly entry. My friend Brooke has posted songs on her blog that remind her of each of her family members and it started me thinking like that a little. Then I heard this Rascall Flatts song on the radio and I pictured this as being a song that would remind me of a child that we'll eventually have...I guess it reminds me that even though there will be hard times with infertility and POF and everything else we'll go through, that in the end it will be worth it and I imagine that I would go through it all over again to have that child with us someday....

I know now the place that I was trying to reach
Was you, right here in front of me and I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin' and I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here

It's amazing what I let my heart go through
To get me where it got me in this moment here with you
And it passed me by God knows how many times
I was so caught up in holding what I never thought I'd find I know now,
there's a million roads I had to take to get (you) in (my) arms this way

And if thats the road God made me take to be with you
Then I wouldn't change a thing I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart On the day that it was breakin'
And I'd relive all the years And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step That led to you and got me here

--Rascall Flatts "Here"

Grateful for what I have...

I am very grateful for what I have in my life. I have a wonderful family, an incredible husband and more then enough blessings to be grateful for. I had a good Thanksgiving and enjoyed spending time with some of my family (sister, Aunts and Uncle) and also with Jeff's family.

I love spending time with and playing with my nephews and with Jeff's neices and nephews. I enjoy children and I enjoy feeling a little bit like a child when I play with them or explore new things with them. It makes me realize that I have the ability to care for and love little children even though they aren't mine. I think it also helps me realize that even if I'm never biologically related to my children that I will love them just as much. I don't know it just makes me feel good to be around little ones whereas before it made me feel I was missing out on something.

The Things People Say...

It's interesting the spin on things that infertility gives. I was supervising a visit with a family and their 11 month old on Thursday. The grandmother to the child was asking my opinions on parenting and daycare resources with my job. She knew from a previous visit that I didn't have children so I was appreciative that she still wanted my opinion.
Anyway we talked about the dangers of daycare with young children and I joked that it almost makes you wonder if having kids is a good idea in this world. She just said oh you will and you'll change your mind when you have yours. She just made it seem so simple. That people just have kids and it's easy to get there. And it just reminded me of how simple it can be and how simple it hasn't and won't be for us. I do think it will all be worth it though.