Grateful for what I have...

I am very grateful for what I have in my life. I have a wonderful family, an incredible husband and more then enough blessings to be grateful for. I had a good Thanksgiving and enjoyed spending time with some of my family (sister, Aunts and Uncle) and also with Jeff's family.

I love spending time with and playing with my nephews and with Jeff's neices and nephews. I enjoy children and I enjoy feeling a little bit like a child when I play with them or explore new things with them. It makes me realize that I have the ability to care for and love little children even though they aren't mine. I think it also helps me realize that even if I'm never biologically related to my children that I will love them just as much. I don't know it just makes me feel good to be around little ones whereas before it made me feel I was missing out on something.

The Things People Say...

It's interesting the spin on things that infertility gives. I was supervising a visit with a family and their 11 month old on Thursday. The grandmother to the child was asking my opinions on parenting and daycare resources with my job. She knew from a previous visit that I didn't have children so I was appreciative that she still wanted my opinion.
Anyway we talked about the dangers of daycare with young children and I joked that it almost makes you wonder if having kids is a good idea in this world. She just said oh you will and you'll change your mind when you have yours. She just made it seem so simple. That people just have kids and it's easy to get there. And it just reminded me of how simple it can be and how simple it hasn't and won't be for us. I do think it will all be worth it though.

Some positivity...

I really do have life pretty good. I have a lot to look forward to in life and a lot of exciting things going on right now. We are in the middle of house shopping...the fun part of that is wearing thin but it's still something very exciting to look forward to. I am grateful for my family and to have good in-laws. I'm grateful to have such a good husband. I'm grateful for my friends who are always there when I need them. I do look forward to the day when we'll pursue having a family but in the meantime I am very happy with the family I have :)

How to Dance in the Rain...

It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80's arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am. I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease. As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.
I was surprised, and asked him, 'And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?' He smiled as he patted my hand and said, 'She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is.'

True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be. The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.

Life isn't about how to survive the storm but rather how to dance in the rain.

Still a glimmer of hope...

Despite the fact I know chances of a spontaneous pregnancy with POF are very slim I still can't give up the little hope I have left in that. They say there is about a 10% chance over the initial 10 years after occurance...guess that means I have about 8 years left haha. But I keep in touch with an online support group of other ladies with POF and I know that it happens because I read the stories. Recently a POF girl that I emailed a few times found out she's pregnant and she was diagnosed 8 years ago. That is what keeps me hoping and believing it can happen. I don't know specifically if it will ever happen for me but it happens for some and that is an equally awesome thing.

I am a statistical anomaly...

I went to a baby shower this past weekend. I haven't really been baby hungry so it is still fairly easy to go to baby showers and pretend that I'm normal (as long as no one asks questions hehe). But out of the 10 or 11 women that came to the shower the odds were...1 single, 4 with kids, 3 pregnant, 2 married without kids and me. Granted I don't know the outcome for 3 of these women but I'm pretty sure the 2 newly married friends don't have kids at this point by choice.

Anyway I found myself driving home from this shower thinking about the odds and asking myself if 1 in 10 couples have infertility problems then why wasn't there another woman in the room with my situation. Then it hit me...I am that woman...I am the 1 in 10. I would have to be in a room of 20 women (statistically speaking) to meet another woman with infertility problems. And that's just a woman who has been "trying" for a year and not fallen pregnant...they could still go on to get pregnant on their own.

For me to meet another woman with POF in my age range I would need a room full of 2,000 women younger than 30 (the odds are 1 in 1,000 before age 30). And then since I'm talking odds...10% will have fertility problems but only 5% of that 10% will ever need or decide to pursue IVF procedures (accounting for effective fertility treatment that is less invasive, those who can't afford IVF and those that pursue adoption instead). And of that remaining 5% of the initial 10% I can only imagine the small percentage that will need to pursue IVF using an egg donor. Wow! I am statistically an anomaly in society. I don't know if that makes me feel unique or just plain lonely.

Being normal is not necessarily a virtue...it rather denotes a lack of courage

This past year I've had a lot of thoughts and longing for a "normal" life. I wanted to think about my future outside of the realm of saving for donor egg invitro or adoption and just be able to wishfully think of what I would do or be like if we were able to have kids on our own. I had been trying to figure out how and why ovarian failure happened to me so much and trying to figure out how Jeff and I would ever have kids that I lost a great deal of "normal" in life. And instead of placing things aside and trying to be normal I dreamed of ways I could change myself to be and have normal. But I'm not going to change, my health situation is very much unlikely to change, the chances of me ever getting pregnant on my own are not going to change...so the one thing that can change is my attitude. I've made a decision that I will go about my life like anyone else and that Jeff and I can plan on children just like anyone else and eventually when the time is right and things align for that goal then it will happen. Being "normal" is all about the perspective and attitude you have of it.

Also I was watching "Practical Magic" today (one of my favorite movies) and I've seen it over a dozen times but today this line really popped out at me: one character states all she wants is a normal life and the other woman says... "My darling girl when are you going to understand that being normal is not necessarily a virtue...it rather denotes a lack of courage." And it's so true...it doesn't take courage to go about things the normal route. It takes a courageous person or in our case a courageous couple to take on a different route and courage to realize that even though it's not how you always thought it would be...that in the end it still will be and it will happen someday for us too :)