I See Myself in You...

There are times with the donor egg aspect of parenthood that even those I love the most may say something that unintentionally hurts a little.  As Jeff and I were getting the girls ready for bed the other night he looked at Kendall and said something about how she does look a lot like him and "I see myself in you" and for a few moments it just really struck me and made me a little sad.  I don't ever want to take away from that marvel that my husband, along with many other parents, get to enjoy...seeing themselves in their children.  And although most days I take little to no note whether Kendall and Seren look anything like me (they probably don't and any similarity I see is most likely just my longing to see it) there are times that I wish just a little to have that connection too.

As I've thought about it over the last couple of days though I realize more and more that I do see myself in them.  Maybe not physically but as they develop and show more personality I feel like I can see my impact on that.  Jeff has told me a few times that they will be very affectionate and say "I love you" a lot because that is how I am with them (his family is a little more shy on the lovey side of things).  I hope so.  And I hope that the older they get the more I will be able to see my personality and that side of things in them (not to say that they won't be their own person...obviously they will).  But I also believe we cultivate and influence the stronger development of this through our parenting.  I see myself in the way that they will interact with the world and I hope that this will be a good influence.

Infertility in the Media...

It always kind of surprises me how much even the subject of infertility in the media hits home for me.  My husband and I have been watching How I Met Your Mother on NetFlix (at the long recommendation of our friends) and once we got over how annoying the main character can be and how funny the others are it's been pretty good.  Well (spoiler alert) we are in the current season 7 now and just watched the episode where Robin "accidentally" found out she is infertile and will never have kids.  Watching the scene where she meets with the doctor to hear this news was like flashback feeling for me.  I felt emotional for her character and also remembering our own meeting with the doctor 5 years ago.  In the episode she is telling this story to her future children and then you find out half-way through they are her imaginary children because she never has children.  I don't know it was just sad to see her dealing with it while her best friend, Lilly, is pregnant and baby shopping.  The episode got over and I just said to Jeff "well that sucked" and we joked a little about how Robin should learn more about donor egg, donor sperm or adoption and still have kids if she wants.  We still have the season and series (when they get to it) to finish and now I find myself routing for my second to least favorite character on the show to end up with a happy ending.

I know it shouldn't surprise me but it always does the emotional gut reaction I have when I watch these sort of shows or hear these stories.  It really is true that infertility can be like PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and that things just trigger those emotions all over again.  I wonder if it ever really goes away.

The Bond That Ties...

I just enjoyed reading an article from a mother to a genetic daughter and twin boys via egg and sperm donation.  Interesting situation that brought them to the decision which lead to their twins.  I just really enjoyed the last couple of paragraphs:

"...All of that is irrelevant though, as our sons finally arrived healthy, happy, and ready to receive the love that mother, father, and sister had been waiting so long to share.      

So that is the story of our family, a family of which I am tremendously proud.  Our particular story may be uncommon, but family development in which members do not share a common genetic history is not.  Families of differing genetic backgrounds are created every day through varied means: adoption, foster care, second marriages/relationships, donor gametes, and surrogacy.  And each and every one of these families is valid.  We have one child who shares our DNA and two who do not; but make no mistake, they are all our children."

I've never really thought of even the "natural" ways that families become unrelated genetically to each other.  But it doesn't make any difference in the world to the love those families share.  The bond that ties deeper than any other on this earth is simply that...love (not genetics).

13 Months

*I think I will be ending these soon or just doing them after their set appointments but doing it by old habit today*


Height/Weight:  Approx. 30" long.  They are probably around 19 lbs (they were a 1/2 lb difference at their last appointment)


Eating:  They went bottle free about a week after their birthday.  I threw out all but 4 bottles and then all of them...plus swore I would not buy formula.  They did pretty good...a couple rough nights but they don't even miss it now.  They eat 3 meals a day and a snack before afternoon nap and an hour or so before dinner.   

Foods They Like:  They will eat anything we are eating and are pretty adventurous with food.  Seren is the more picky eater but somehow still weighs a little more than Kendall.  They like grapes, peaches, toast, peas, carrots, goldfish crackers, cheese, yogurt, chicken nuggets (homemade), pasta, etc.  Oh and pizza...Jeff introduced them to that and they loved it. 

Foods They Don't:  strawberry cereal puffs, cheddar puffs and some weird freeze dried fruit snack (I agree it was gross). 

Favorite Things:  They still love each other (more and more).  They are more interested in crawling off and exploring.  Seren loves to crawl off to the spare bedroom and then shut the door behind her and giggle.  They like being chased and tickled.  They love taking baths.  They both love to cuddle more now (I hope this isn't a short phase).  They like to practice walking.  Their favorite toy right now is their stacking cups.

Dislikes:  Being hungry and tired.  Getting into trouble or being told "no".  Poor Kendall's constipation is back so she'll be getting more apple juice to help.

Their Accomplishments:  They both stand independent pretty well.  They cruise furniture with ease.  They climb up stairs (supervised of course).  They seem to be understanding language more (ie "hug", "give me a kiss", "soft/gentle", "share" and of course "no" still brings on tears or sometimes laughter in Seren's case when she thinks it's a game).  They are both so close to walking but still need the reassurance of a finger or toy with us at the other end.  Seren took 3-4 steps last night in order to get to a cracker I was holding and Kendall has taken a couple very unsteady steps.  They are so interactive with each other and I can't wait to see this grow.  They love to love on each other.  


Teeth:  Kendall has her two bottom teeth.  Seren has her two bottom and three (or four) on top.

Our Accomplishments:  Still on a great schedule generally.  We make a great team.  I am always so grateful that Jeff is willing to put in the work to take care of them as well.  We are once again trying to sell the house so keeping it really clean with two cruisers is a challenge.  We have a great system though and are having more and more fun with the girls as they get bigger. 

Sleep:  Same bedtime routine and works like a charm (especially when a bath is included).  They sleep between 11-12 hours at night.  Nap twice a day still...2 hours and then second nap is 45 minutes to an hour.

Looking forward to:  Looking forward to more mobility but also scared of two toddlers running around.  Kind of can't wait for some first real steps now...I know they are going to be thrilled when they can really take off.  Looking forward to warm weather and getting them outside more again. 

It Bothers Me A Little...

In my infertile mind it bothers me a little...
- that my newly twin-carrying fertile friend is now posting about this pregnancy everyday on Facebook.
- that she's starting a photo album "My Journey Carrying Multiples" documenting by photos her progress and belly bump every week for the next 22 weeks (if she makes it to 38 weeks that is).
- that she does all of this with probably little second thought to her sister-in-law who has struggled since getting married 5+ years ago to have a baby (miscarriages, still-birth at full-term, loss at 20 weeks, etc).  Her sis-in-law is a much stronger person than I and seems supportive on FB (I would want to punch my friend in the face if I were her).
- that she asks for support and advice from her fellow twin moms and a few times when I've offered it she gives me the attitude of knowing better and that she is of course a prior mom and thinks having twins shouldn't be much different.
-that something (twins) that I used to only share with my fellow infertile friends who also knew how much work, money and emotion went into getting them into their uterus much less out in the world I now share with this friend who doesn't understand that side of things (gosh I sound like such a brat saying and thinking that).

Yeah I was thinking that I was over my initial gut reaction towards her and I think I am excited for her but then all of this annoying behavior is happening (even my mutual non-infertile friend is finding the frequent posts and talk annoying) and it really bothers me sometimes.  It's totally true that no matter how many kids you have or how long you suffered or suffer infertility that it just changes your perception forever.

Another child debate...

Jeff and I are in debate with this one.  We don't and haven't talked about it too seriously yet.  I would like to come to a decision and be moving forward with things (if it goes that route) by the time the girls are two but we'll see.  I don't know what makes me want to have another child.  Part of me wants to experience a singleton pregnancy and birth and being able to breastfeed and do some things I couldn't with twins (like take care of late feedings on my own without torturing DH with a lack of sleep too).  A bigger part of me wants to experience pregnancy again.  To enjoy that feeling, hopefully, without worry or the expectation of "high risk".  And another big part of me feels connected to those little frozen embryos and wonders if or how guilty I might feel if nothing comes of them.  

I am also so content and beyond happy with our girls.  I can imagine it just being the four of us.  I can imagine it would be fun to have a sibling for them also.  I know either way that things will be okay.  I just wish someone could decide for us.  I don't want to regret the opportunity to have another child after fighting so hard to have the ones that we do.

We will probably have to deal with the debate on what to do with the embryos in the long run either way.  We were lucky enough to have 11 embryos to freeze.  So with that, I also debate with myself how we will deal with those left...donation, research or destruction.  DH and I both don't agree with destroying them and I think we would both like to donate them but I'm not 100% sure our clinic allows embryo donation (they don't do cycles for it there).  But then there are the questions of how to deal with donation in regards to the girls.  Do we tell them?  Do embryo donation couples have an open relationship if the girls ever wanted to meet "siblings" or if the other couple wanted to know more about health history, etc?  Would the other couple even want to be open with their possible child? I guess there are a few debates going on.  But we will get to the second debate after we get through the first and even that one is on hold.

Birthday Video

I finally finished it.  I want to make an individual one for both of them but this will do for now.