Two weeks...

Well we are now two weeks away from our expected 5-day transfer date. I was planning out a little surprise for Jeff (more on that later) and realized as I looked at my school, work and IVF calendars (haha yah they're fun to juggle) that it was coming down to the wire.

Anyway it is so close and I think we're both excited and nervous. We don't talk about it much. We talk about remembering our pills and future appointments but not the actual possibility. I for one am perfectly okay with this as the less I talk or worry about the positive or negative (literally) the less I feel freaked out. I am generally excited and have good feelings about it. But I also know that nothing is a sure thing. I am not excited to start PIO injections next week and Jeff is not either. He is so sweet and concerned about them and hurting me. I think it will be okay although it definitely won't be the most pleasant thing I've done. I'm going to submit a refill with Medco on my prescriptions as I'm worried about them delaying or being late and if things go well we'll need them immediately...so hopefully it's not a waste of money.

I used to think I would compare this to waiting for Christmas. And some days I do a little...it could be a really awesome gift at the end. But most days it's more of a feeling that I'm waiting to take a big test and maybe if I study hard enough and focus enough (eat well, take my pills and live healthy as possible) that maybe we'll pass the test at the end. I hope so.

Done and done...

Two more things were taken off my list this weekend :) Yeah!! I'm on a roll haha jk But we did go to Wendover on the fun bus with Lisa and James over the weekend. We went to Puddle of Mudd in concert and a buffet. Poor James got a little sick on the way and during but it was a fun time together. While we were at the buffet they had frog legs on the menu...so with my list in mind I gave them a try. Jeff said he had eaten them many times in France and they were pretty good. Well I don't recommend having a daring thing to eat while at a buffet. They weren't bad but they were a little dry and tough probably from sitting under the heat lamp and nobody eating them. Oh well...two more down for me so good enough.

I wonder if I'll feel normal...

Tomorrow I boost up my estrogen dose. I've told Jeff that I wonder how I will feel. It will be interesting to see if I feel any different. I haven't had "high" estrogen levels (that I know of) in over two years. I say that I know of because there have been times where my body does things that it shouldn't and it makes me wonder if it's working a little. I'll take extra estrogen for a week and then on the 19th we go for a lining check and instruction on PIO injections. I've told myself that with all the minor spotting I have had the last couple months that I may ask Dr. G to check on my ovaries just so I know they are still raisins so I won't worry about it. I've heard from other POF/POI girls that the extra estrogen is great and makes you feel good so I'm hoping it will.

Things definitely don't seem real still. We were thinking of things we could do or get for the donor and I came to the idea that a gift card for a massage would be cool. Then when we asked Nurse G about it we found out the donor is doing one more cycle after ours and then will be moving out of state. It was weird and kind of disappointing to hear. It makes me just really hope everything works as perfectly as possible with this. Like I don't really like the idea of using more then one donor cause I would like any possible kids to at least have the same DNA even if it's not mine. But Nurse G did say that they will still have contact information for the donor if any problems were to come up so who knows.

I also went and visited with my best bud from high school who recently had her second set of twins from IVF. She and her hubby have had a rough go of things and it is so nice to see her with her family and appreciation of it. She is the only person I know in person who seems to understand it at all (maybe not the donor part which is a whole different level) but everything else and beyond (they lost their baby boy from their first set of twins). It is such a blessing to have her to talk to and relate with. She is the only one in our personal lives outside of Jeff and I that knows the timing of things with this cycle. It was fun to see her and her boys and daughter. Although hearing stories of and watching her take care of the twins made me a little more leery of the idea of twins. Either way would be a blessing but after today I found myself just hoping for just one. I really just hope it works. I feel like I have shut myself off still at this point to the idea of either outcome, almost like I am just make believing we're doing things but that it's not real. I hope when reality hits that it's a nice place to be.

My Supportive Hubby

Jeff and I watched a movie tonight called Couples Retreat. In the movie one couple is trying to talk three of their couple friends into going to a retreat for a group rate. The couple is having marital problems due to infertility and contemplating divorce over it. They say something like "it's been 12 long months" and Jeff and I just look at each other and laugh. It was humorous to us that they were making such a big deal out of 12 months. We have been dealing with this for 2 1/2 years (30 months) and there are so many people with longer and harder journeys.

Although I can totally relate that infertility can put a major stress on your marriage...I'm grateful it hasn't so much happened for us. Yes we've had our fights and emotional ups and downs but we've always stuck together. We've come out (so far) stronger and I'm so grateful to have such a support. A friend was telling me the other day that her husband went to his first ob/gyn appointment with her and that it would probably be the last. This surprised me as it's been a little while since her diagnosis (and I had assumed he went with her on those). I don't remember why, I just remember thinking how I was glad that wasn't me. Although I'm sure some appointments weren't so pleasant or comfortable for Jeff (some weren't for me either hehe) he has always been there with me. I think Jeff probably knows more about how a woman's body is supposed to work than the average woman. I can't imagine going through those kinds of appointments and bad news without someone to be there and supportive to me. I know her husband will be more supportive in the future and has been supportive in other ways but it just made me grateful for what I have.

Songs and music

I believe that the music and lyrics of some music is meant to inspire us and comfort us. I have found many songs over the last couple of years that brought me comfort and motivation to keep going. I've added some to this blog and also some to my iPod. I have had moments in my life (related and unrelated to infertility) where I will hear a song at just the time that I need to and it brings peace. I have heard of others with similar experiences with music. I feel like these times are sometimes when God is trying to reach into our lives and speak to us when maybe we aren't ready to be on our knees.

The song below is one of the first inspiring songs that I heard after being diagnosed with POF/POI and searching the internet and youtube for information. This song inspired the title of my blog. However it has recently had issues playing on my playlist (and being the OCD girl I can be it was driving me nuts) and I wasn't able to find another version so...I decided to move it to this post.

Two more down...

I already posted this on my original blog but I'm posting it here as well. I completed a couple more of my goals. Man...a couple doesn't sound like much compared to 101. But it felt like a great accomplishment to get this done. I finally made a wall saying for our kitchen. I had wanted to for a while and kept putting it off. But with a goal to sell my Cricut (dye cutting machine) in order to put the money towards my new camera (which I love) it was a good combination goal.

In selecting a quote I wanted something that would go with the picture but that would also remind us that despite it being a struggle and difficult to come to terms with infertility that it could be done. And that hopefully in the end we'll have success someday. I originally wanted the quote to be something like "In order to accomplish great things, one must take great risks" but then I asked for Jeff's advice and he came up with this quote by Mark Twain that he really liked. It definitely seemed to fit and I love it. Going forward will not mean that we aren't afraid it will only mean that we are resisting our fear and trying to master it in order to gain something greater.

Hope is a choice...

I have been staving off the reaction to be scared for a while. I have been putting things to the back of my mind and not worrying about the outcome. I've been telling myself that the outcome doesn't matter. But now as I feel like we're actually going somewhere and things in the next few weeks will determine the outcome...I'm scared. As I was sitting this morning preparing and organizing my pills I just had this feeling of fear. Fear that this (possibly) one time chance wouldn't work. That something might go wrong or that my body might act up at an inopportune time. I felt worried to the point that I was teary eyed. It's possible that we may never see two lines on a pregnancy test or I may never know what it's like to carry a child and give birth. It's possible for everyone to not have this happen but I just feel especially vulnerable in our current circumstance. I hope it does happen. It seems like sometimes hope is the only thing we have control over. I sent an article to my friend with POI about hope and one of my favorite quotes is this:

"Hope is not based on the ability to fabricate a better future; it is grounded in the ability to remember with new understanding an equally difficult past...Hope is not some kind of delusional optimism to be resorted to because we simply cannot face the hard facts that threaten to swamp our hearts...hope remains, nevertheless, a choice."