The Christmas Feeling...

Man I'm complaining a lot lately. I realize that I am but it feels better to have it out there then stewing in my brain. We got a Christmas card from one of my old roommates yesterday that announced they were expecting their first child. It was cute and a fun little way to announce things I guess. But I just had that feeling of envy again. I kept it to myself for a while but later that night I just sat with Jeff in front of the Christmas tree in tears. I kept thinking "I don't want to be them...I just don't want to be me". I don't have a strong desire to have a kid or to be pregnant so it's not like I'm jealous of them...I'm just so jealous that they can do that and make that decision and get there.

I wish too that it hadn't been announced around Christmas. I'm sure to the couple who can get pregnant the normal way that it seems like the perfect time to announce that type of thing. But to the person or couple who can't it just feels like a slap in the face at a time of year when you may already have a tough enough time being around family and all the kids and kid-oriented stuff. Last year I was depressed because I found out "officially" that I had ovarian failure and now this year that announcement just reminded me again (just in time for Christmas).

I hope that my mood improves for tonight as we are having family over for Christmas Eve. I suppose there are many people who have it worse off this Christmas and I am grateful for all I do have. I guess there are things we will always envy about others...my sister-in-law envies our new house and I envy her with her three cute little kids. Time to just be happy with what we have right and for the ultimate gift that we were all given through Christ's birth.

Overcoming jealousy

I've never really been one to be jealous. I've been happy with what I've been given and I've typically tried to get what I didn't have. But I feel like now with all this POF/infertility stuff that maybe I won't be able to get what I want. Lately I am jealous a lot when I see others with children. Not jealous that I don't have one but jealous that it seems so easy for them to get there. There weren't thousands of dollars saved and spent for most of these babies to be conceived. There weren't thoughts of if it would ever happen for some parents either. I don't really understand how it would feel to think that way...I feel like I've never been able to think that way. I don't even put sex and getting pregnant in the same thought process anymore...sometimes it doesn't even occur to me that that's how it usually works for most people.

Jeff and I went to a family gathering tonight. It was with my Aunt and Uncle's family and kids and my immediate family too. My Aunt and Uncle have 4 kids and a number of grandchildren. No fertility troubles going on there. I love kids and I love being around kids but I just kept thinking: why me? why us? why of all the things that could happen did this happen? I just felt so jealous of them and of these cute kids. These cute kids that look like their parents. I want things to be easy or easier like that. But I can't do anything to change it...I just need to find a way to overcome this type of jealousy.

Song on the radio...

This is probably a somewhat nonsense or silly entry. My friend Brooke has posted songs on her blog that remind her of each of her family members and it started me thinking like that a little. Then I heard this Rascall Flatts song on the radio and I pictured this as being a song that would remind me of a child that we'll eventually have...I guess it reminds me that even though there will be hard times with infertility and POF and everything else we'll go through, that in the end it will be worth it and I imagine that I would go through it all over again to have that child with us someday....

I know now the place that I was trying to reach
Was you, right here in front of me and I wouldn't change a thing
I'd walk right back through the rain back to every broken heart
On the day that it was breakin' and I'd relive all the years
And be thankful for the tears I've cried with every stumbled step
That led to you and got me here, right here

It's amazing what I let my heart go through
To get me where it got me in this moment here with you
And it passed me by God knows how many times
I was so caught up in holding what I never thought I'd find I know now,
there's a million roads I had to take to get (you) in (my) arms this way

And if thats the road God made me take to be with you
Then I wouldn't change a thing I'd walk right back through the rain
Back to every broken heart On the day that it was breakin'
And I'd relive all the years And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step That led to you and got me here

--Rascall Flatts "Here"

Grateful for what I have...

I am very grateful for what I have in my life. I have a wonderful family, an incredible husband and more then enough blessings to be grateful for. I had a good Thanksgiving and enjoyed spending time with some of my family (sister, Aunts and Uncle) and also with Jeff's family.

I love spending time with and playing with my nephews and with Jeff's neices and nephews. I enjoy children and I enjoy feeling a little bit like a child when I play with them or explore new things with them. It makes me realize that I have the ability to care for and love little children even though they aren't mine. I think it also helps me realize that even if I'm never biologically related to my children that I will love them just as much. I don't know it just makes me feel good to be around little ones whereas before it made me feel I was missing out on something.

The Things People Say...

It's interesting the spin on things that infertility gives. I was supervising a visit with a family and their 11 month old on Thursday. The grandmother to the child was asking my opinions on parenting and daycare resources with my job. She knew from a previous visit that I didn't have children so I was appreciative that she still wanted my opinion.
Anyway we talked about the dangers of daycare with young children and I joked that it almost makes you wonder if having kids is a good idea in this world. She just said oh you will and you'll change your mind when you have yours. She just made it seem so simple. That people just have kids and it's easy to get there. And it just reminded me of how simple it can be and how simple it hasn't and won't be for us. I do think it will all be worth it though.

Some positivity...

I really do have life pretty good. I have a lot to look forward to in life and a lot of exciting things going on right now. We are in the middle of house shopping...the fun part of that is wearing thin but it's still something very exciting to look forward to. I am grateful for my family and to have good in-laws. I'm grateful to have such a good husband. I'm grateful for my friends who are always there when I need them. I do look forward to the day when we'll pursue having a family but in the meantime I am very happy with the family I have :)

How to Dance in the Rain...

It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80's arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am. I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease. As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.
I was surprised, and asked him, 'And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?' He smiled as he patted my hand and said, 'She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is.'

True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be. The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.

Life isn't about how to survive the storm but rather how to dance in the rain.