Holiday Bah-hum-bug

I have to say that between being away from my parents and all the wanting-a-kid-that-I-can't-have right now and then not knowing if this time next year will be the same way or the year after that too and so on...I'm not a big fan of the holidays. It isn't as bad as it could be...it can always be worse right? I have a loving husband, a dog who is spoiled rotten and family who cares and that I can count on. Lately I just feel more like there is that missing piece and that I want more. I don't have crazy envy of those with children like I did the Christmas right after being diagnosed (man that was depressing). I just have anxiety. I worry that it will never happen, I worry about the possibility of it happening, I worry that I'll get my hopes up and they'll be deflated all over again.

The holidays and especially Christmas have so much to do with family and kids. I can completely see why it would be hard to go through the holidays without all of that in tow. I get the question of having kids more often lately. I guess after two years of marriage it's pretty common and harder (at least in LDS/Mormon culture) to pawn off on enjoying married life still, although I am. I also just have the feeling that those who aren't asking are assuming that something isn't right. I don't know which is worse being asked and able to throw out my defense mechanism answers of "oh goodness not yet" or "I want to finish school and get a real job first" or just being ignored altogether when it comes to the topic.

I'm also not really into the church related side of the holidays so much either. I believe in God and I believe in a plan to life and an afterlife and being with family and loved ones. But I don't want to be around those that just take it all for granted. I don't want to hear the lessons and lectures about family and how it's such a blessing. If it's such a blessing then does that mean Jeff and I have been cursed because we can't? If we're given trials to help us grow then why do I feel like, at least when it comes to church, that I have digressed so much? I don't know. I think it's good that we're taking time to figure this out and that I don't feel the pressure that I did to "have a family" and "being a mother is your most important role and calling" kind of thing that it felt like before. I hope it gets better eventually but right now I think I am fine giving God the silent treatment and I believe that if He loves us unconditionally and knows everything the way they say He does that He understands how we feel and still loves us and will be there when we want to talk again.