It's been two months sense I stopped breastfeeding. I wanted to go longer but I was desperate for good sleep and it didn't seem like it would happen with Nolan still breastfeeding. We waiting out the holidays. It didn't seem right to torture a little baby during a happy time of year. Then as soon as my sister returned home from an over night stay with us for New Years Eve and day we called it. On January 2nd, at 15 months, Nolan had one very long hysterical night. I had weaned him down to nighttime feeding and occasional bedtime snacks. But taking away the middle of the night cuddles and nursing was definitely hard on him. The three of us slept only three or four hours that night. The girls slept through the banshee screams and bemoaning of fate that was Nolan. The next night was easier but he still cried for a couple hours before giving up. The third night he slept 9 hours. By the fourth night he was sleeping great and all night long. Horrible feeling coupled with the wonderful feeling of getting sleep. The first great sleep I had in a year and a half.
Anyway the ending of breastfeeding brought me back into self-care mode. I wanted to get back on hormone replacement to feel better. To hopefully lose some weight, especially in my tummy region. To protect my bones and heart. I needed to do what my body needed. I set up an appointment with a different ob/gyn who is closer to where we live. My prior ob/gyn was well loved but he had delivered my babies and I was done with that road. I wanted a different feeling, different office not slam full of pregnant women and a doctor who's main reason for seeing me was to care for my POI.
Dr L was good. Her office was still had pregnant women and baby pictures (though not as many). She focused on my self-care with POI and I was grateful for that. She wanted to make sure I would get the hormones that I needed. She wasn't a fan of bio identical hormones which I wanted to consider but she was informed and had good reasons. She was helpful in doing or offering everything else I asked about. She set up a DEXA scan for my bones. She was happy to hear of our success having the children with donor eggs. She was supportive. In general I think she'll be a good match.
I went in for my DEXA scan a couple days later. I filled out a questioner geared toward menopause, hysterectomies and aging. I got to explain for the hundredth time (the second time that week) to a medical assistant why I hadn't had a period in almost 2 years despite my age. I changed into bone density scanning friendly clothing and went to the next waiting area. I hung out with a cute old bitty who was probably someone's grandmother. There was an unfinished puzzle on the table and tub of lifesaver breath mints next to my chair. They truly catered to their crowd. It reminded me again that I was really quite out of place in this menopausal age bracket. I didn't feel old but I had a feeling in the vein of being sorry for myself (not sure how else to put it). The feeling that despite trying to always be mindful of my luck and blessings sometimes creeps in. It comes around when I realize that most women my age don't have to worry about menopause for another 15-20 years. That the general population of parents and mothers don't require a third party on top of a fertility specialists, much less the fertility specialist. At least the feeling is fleeting now for the most part. And this time it was only being brought to the front of my mind from all of the checkups and medical questions centered around what I wanted to be checked on to begin with.
I went home and returned to three beautiful children and a wonderful husband. I reminded myself that I was blessed. That many other roads I could have gone down would not have included these wonderful people and little people along the way. Another test, another result won't change that I am still happy where I ended up even if it wasn't the way I intended to get there when I started life.
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