My closest friend recently shared an "8 Things to Never Say to a Mom of an Only Child" on Facebook. I initially thought well this is good and probably informative of another side to life and choice or non-choice to be in that situation. She has a little girl who is a couple months younger than my two girls and they experienced a early second-trimester miscarriage last September and are still trying again from my understanding. She has told me of the insensitivity of people asking "when are you going to have another?" type questions. But the one point in this list she points out to agreeing with most is parents/moms saying "It's so hard with three kids". I'm sorry...what? Even the author of the article admits that if you stay at home with your (three) kids or work full time and come home to them that you are an exception to her complaint saying her complaint is against those who send their kids to day care or "school" and aren't attached to them ALL the time. Obviously it's harder to juggle more children by simple math. I kind of think the author rewrote/reworded after backlash from parents of multiple children.
Now I get that this "complaint" (at least by my friend) is probably more geared at women that complain about having more children. Honestly I try not to ever complain about the number of kids I have. I'm grateful for my girls even on days when I've hit my patience breaking point and bedtime can't come soon enough. I don't complain about my pregnancy or act like I'm put out by any discomfort I have (well maybe to myself, Jeff or the dog). I don't have an only child (never did) and I'm grateful. I hope I would be grateful with only one as well but I can see the struggle.
Anyway I have sidetracked from my even more annoyed declaration about this discussion that ensued after her posting. Her sister-in-law, who has suffered 3 miscarriages, replies first and points out that she's not sure she's in agreement with the article because she doesn't think most people are being "insensitive jerks" (as the article calls them) for asking about having other children or just generally inquiring about family and kids. She went on to say that she doesn't think talking about miscarriages should be taboo and she likes having the opportunity to educate people. I can understand that. When I get asked about my twins I feel the same way about it giving me a chance to shed light on infertility and maybe be supportive to someone going through it or who might have questions.
But no understanding or empathy was to be had for her points...strong disagreement came pouring in from my friend's husband and his best friend (mutual close friend to my friend as well). Knowing some of my friend's recent irritated feelings towards this sister-in-law (announcing her pregnancy too early for my friends liking, complaining about morning sickness to my friend, etc) I wonder if some of the attack that followed was due to a general dislike of her and her handling of current pregnancy. Anyway both men went on to say...How dare she call miscarriage talk "taboo". It's not taboo it's painful they both say and basically shame her for wanting to be public about her experience. In my opinion obviously my friend's husband is defending his wife and their good friend is defending his mother who is still emotional when it comes to her own loss many years ago. I get that. Defend away. But calmly express your opinion don't tell someone they are wrong for how they are handling it.
Seriously? You have to argue over how someone is supposed to deal with their grief. How is this even a topic where there is a right or wrong answer. Granted I've never had a miscarriage and I don't know what that is like but for me I think being told "you'll never have children" and having to go to the furthest extremes to have children passes pretty close up there to something emotionally similar. Maybe for those that have had miscarriages that will take offense to that and for that I apologize. But the point I'm trying to make is basically just to say that I know what it's like to be emotionally gutted and left with what feels like a dark abyss of no hope and no understanding.
Why compare? Why argue about the appropriate way to handle how you discuss or don't discuss it? There is no right or wrong way to handle yourself or your emotions. Unless you are forcing that way onto someone else. So for them to tell her (someone who has been through repeated miscarriages) that she is wrong about her opinion of the subject just really pissed me off. You just don't go there. You don't tell someone who knows how it feels and has had the same type of loss that they are wrong in how they deal with it. Seriously it just steams me still but that's all I have to say on the subject without going into some long rant and tirade about it (if I haven't already). I deleted my comment towards the article (which was lighthearted and before the attack) and will leave it at that.
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