It may seem horrible of me too but I've been noticing more articles that bother me about pregnancy and parenting the old fashioned way. Things like you both love each other so much that you want to create this child who is a perfect blend of both of you. That you see your chin, nose or even features that you never liked about yourself in a child and all the sudden you love that feature. I guess for some stupid sub-conscious reason it feels like these people just maybe experience a deeper connection to their children than I have with my own. Like I said silly and probably selfish train of thought that has followed reading these things. I know I'm not missing anything in reality. I know a greater love for my girls than I ever really hope to understand. But the feeling and thought still happens like a tiny little pin prick in my mind or heart. I don't really miss them looking like me. I don't notice them looking like anyone in particular most of the time even though Kendall very strongly resembles my husband. I know they both pick up on my idiosyncrasies and way of thinking/being and that how I parent them is shaping the very most important part of their being. But the little twinge still sometimes comes up. I didn't think it would again. And although it's still very rarely it bugs me that I even give it a minute of my thought. I imagine it's primarily due to the pursuit of another munchkin and revisiting all of my health issues that make our conception story so unique. I know it's not a short coming on their part or my own and I'm sure there are other sides of the coin to worry about when you find yourself with a mini-me to parent. I hope to and imagine that if we are successful that the thoughts will again fade into the background. And if we aren't I know that it will be in the far reaches of mind again. And leave no doubt, I am still very much wanting another sweet baby who will be as much a part of my heart and soul as my sweet girls are.
Monday, January 6, 2014
Blah-Like Thoughts...
I always think about it. The money aspect. The money that goes into trying. Money for drugs. Money for appointments, ultrasounds, procedures, etc etc. It seems like there is just one big hole sometimes. Granted the first $22,000 brought us blessings beyond measure and to a point where we can take less expensive chances. But it still makes my head spin when I realize that other couples don't spend anything in the process of creating their families. Not with infertility though. So expensive. And yet I feel like I shouldn't complain too. I know of so many who spend so much more with nothing to show for it. I feel lucky that we were doing well enough with our finances to have taken our first chance with success. I suppose the frozen cycles have been harder different to plan for as we have tried to pull money together more quickly. This has left us saying "well we still have less debt than a lot of people" and hoping that it's worth it. But I always find myself thinking about the other things the money could be used for. Like today as I cleaned house I thought of how it would be nice to have new carpet to get rid of stains and wear or to finish our basement but nope that will have to wait. Heck I'd settle for just having some money in our savings for a rainy day. But I guess this is our "rainy day". A few more weeks and we'll know if its a monsoon or a sprinkle.
It may seem horrible of me too but I've been noticing more articles that bother me about pregnancy and parenting the old fashioned way. Things like you both love each other so much that you want to create this child who is a perfect blend of both of you. That you see your chin, nose or even features that you never liked about yourself in a child and all the sudden you love that feature. I guess for some stupid sub-conscious reason it feels like these people just maybe experience a deeper connection to their children than I have with my own. Like I said silly and probably selfish train of thought that has followed reading these things. I know I'm not missing anything in reality. I know a greater love for my girls than I ever really hope to understand. But the feeling and thought still happens like a tiny little pin prick in my mind or heart. I don't really miss them looking like me. I don't notice them looking like anyone in particular most of the time even though Kendall very strongly resembles my husband. I know they both pick up on my idiosyncrasies and way of thinking/being and that how I parent them is shaping the very most important part of their being. But the little twinge still sometimes comes up. I didn't think it would again. And although it's still very rarely it bugs me that I even give it a minute of my thought. I imagine it's primarily due to the pursuit of another munchkin and revisiting all of my health issues that make our conception story so unique. I know it's not a short coming on their part or my own and I'm sure there are other sides of the coin to worry about when you find yourself with a mini-me to parent. I hope to and imagine that if we are successful that the thoughts will again fade into the background. And if we aren't I know that it will be in the far reaches of mind again. And leave no doubt, I am still very much wanting another sweet baby who will be as much a part of my heart and soul as my sweet girls are.
It may seem horrible of me too but I've been noticing more articles that bother me about pregnancy and parenting the old fashioned way. Things like you both love each other so much that you want to create this child who is a perfect blend of both of you. That you see your chin, nose or even features that you never liked about yourself in a child and all the sudden you love that feature. I guess for some stupid sub-conscious reason it feels like these people just maybe experience a deeper connection to their children than I have with my own. Like I said silly and probably selfish train of thought that has followed reading these things. I know I'm not missing anything in reality. I know a greater love for my girls than I ever really hope to understand. But the feeling and thought still happens like a tiny little pin prick in my mind or heart. I don't really miss them looking like me. I don't notice them looking like anyone in particular most of the time even though Kendall very strongly resembles my husband. I know they both pick up on my idiosyncrasies and way of thinking/being and that how I parent them is shaping the very most important part of their being. But the little twinge still sometimes comes up. I didn't think it would again. And although it's still very rarely it bugs me that I even give it a minute of my thought. I imagine it's primarily due to the pursuit of another munchkin and revisiting all of my health issues that make our conception story so unique. I know it's not a short coming on their part or my own and I'm sure there are other sides of the coin to worry about when you find yourself with a mini-me to parent. I hope to and imagine that if we are successful that the thoughts will again fade into the background. And if we aren't I know that it will be in the far reaches of mind again. And leave no doubt, I am still very much wanting another sweet baby who will be as much a part of my heart and soul as my sweet girls are.
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2 comments:
Thank you for sharing this--I hear so often that after the baby/babies are born that the donor piece doesn't matter so much anymore and you don't think about it because you are so swallowed with joy. I believe this most of the time, but it is actually refreshing to see that it does seep in from time to time. I can't see how it couldn't with our society's obsession with babies and "who does she look like most" and whatnot. But I agree that the parenting gives the most push for shaping children, and I hope that your DE FET is successful and brings you the baby you yearn for!
Thanks Jess. It definitely does not decrease my connection or love for my girls and they are still 100% mine. But in very small measures it still comes to mind on rare occasions. Kind of feel like a fraud admitting that to other infertile women and DE moms who may not agree or admit it. But that's what this blog is for...I don't want to hide anything.
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