The wheels are turning so quickly now it seems surreal. The pharmacy for our clinic sent the progesterone in oil and needles today. I have to say when I opened the box my stomach made the same familiar drop that it did 3 1/2 years ago. The site of needles (lots of needles) is the reckoning point for me every time. This time I remember (although somewhat vaguely) the lack of fun that is shots. Jeff says that he hated this part and was afraid last time of doing it wrong. I am feeling a little more wary this time probably due to a lack of blood tests and needles in my skin for a while. At least we know all the tricks to doing shots this time around.
I am starting to find my stride though and trying to keep focused on the positive possibility. My mind does remind me of the very real chance of it not working though. We've been so lucky and didn't have to experience a failed cycle. I worry about the feelings that might come with that. I know it's devastating for so many and I wish it never had to be the case, especially with infertility. Maybe it's our turn to be on the other side of that fence though. I do feel grateful for our girls every time I think of that. I don't truly fear a failed cycle yet (I'm sure I will) because we would still have these great kids. Sometimes I even feel selfish for wanting another chance instead of donating all of the embryos to the other couple.
We would love to add one more to our family but only time will tell on that. We have only shared with our parents this time that we are trying another cycle. There are more sensitivities this time around with close friends recently going through a second trimester loss and Jeff's sister and brother-in-law being amid infertility struggles themselves. Sometimes I think it is hard to be excited when you know the hurt going on for others at the same time. Just a balance of hope for them and for yourself. Here's hoping...for us all.
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