Looking...

I guess we're officially looking at both sides of the coin now.  I signed up for a profile with Miracles Waiting with the knowledge that we may try another cycle but would still have remaining embryos.  It seems so weird to be seriously considering giving these embryos to someone else.  They are our children.  They aren't born.  They may never be born.  But they are ours.  But as strange as it seems to be giving them to someone it seems even worse to consider not doing so.  Not giving them a chance.  Taking the possibility of life out of something that took so much to come to be.  I want whoever we do decide on to have all of the embryos (whether it be 9 or 11...whatever happens there).  I don't really want them passed on any further.  I want it to be a somewhat open or willing to be open relationship.  I don't want to take away the girls choice and opportunity to possibly meet these children.  Such mixed feelings on how to deal with this and explain it to them over the years.

I feel more and more discouraged about having another child.  I feel like I need a mountain of more patience and that often my patience is made thin just chasing two little two year olds around.  I sometimes feel guilty that I would want to spread our time and love out with another child.  I sometimes feel guilty that they will only ever have each other if not.  It almost feels like a knee jerk reaction when I consider donating them.  A feeling of  "no, we need to try again before giving them away".  Still feeling both sides of it I guess.  Nothing is completely decided though so who knows.

Anyway looking through profiles is strange enough.  I keep wanting to find someone with a similar story to my own.  To our story.  I've seen a few women with POF (premature ovarian failure) or low ovarian reserve listed as their Infertility Diagnosis.  I feel more connection to them and more sympathy...I suppose because I feel like I know what they are going through.  It is overwhelming to see how many couples and women turn to or are pursuing embryo adoption, even though I'm sure it is such a small percent of the grand scheme or total.  For what it's worth...we are looking (and hopefully deciding).