How can I possibly want more when I already have it all? That is the question that keeps running through my mind this morning. Jeff and I decided that we would have our "discussion" this week while his parents are away so that we don't have to worry about them over hearing things. Decisions. Real decisions. I don't know. I feel like I don't even know what I want anymore. For so many months I felt so strongly that I wanted to have one more baby. And as the girls have been growing and we've been enjoying them so much I keep thinking...what if that throws things off? What if this happy equilibrium that we are at right now is not so perfect once we throw in a third child? Right now I picture us growing up together with these beautiful girls and daddy daughter dates and times where we can split them up between us and get lots of one-on-one time with them. Would that be so easy if there were a third? But I also think of how much I have wanted more kids in the past and if maybe I'm just scared to try again. I think of our frozen embryos. Possibilities of life put on hold. Waiting. Waiting for us to make decisions. What if in the eternal scheme of things I let them down? What if we make a decision and later regret it? It's not like we can go back and do this all over again. The cost alone would be a big enough deterrent much less all the genetic connection and such that I would want another child to have also.
What if we decide to try to have another child and it doesn't work? What if we (or maybe just I) get my hopes wrapped up in the process again and we don't get pregnant? What if it changes my 70/30 split towards having another child into a 99/1 split and Jeff doesn't want to try again. Do I leave myself more open for heartache? I don't know.
I think a lot too of the couples that we could help. We are satisfied and happy with our life and could give soooo much happiness to someone else. I think of friends and acquaintances that I know who struggle with infertility. I know how hard it is and the memory of that kind of heartache is still fresh when I look back on it. I know (or at least I believe) that it would make me just as happy to have someone with infertility succeed at having a child with our embryos as it would for me to have another child. Although I do have some worry that I might be a little envious at the same time. I think the overwhelming feeling would be happiness for them and for that child...that life that was created for the purpose of being born and living.
I have been trying to think and look into all aspects. I've talked to our clinic about our choices and I've been reading on the Miracles Waiting website and I've been thinking and trying to feel out how I feel about having another child. I would love another baby. But I also love the babies (who aren't so much babies anymore) that we have. I honestly just haven't come to a decision still and while Jeff has mostly come to his decision he isn't completely opposed to another if it's what I want. I kind of just feel like there isn't a right or wrong answer to this. Which is making this decision so hard to try to make. The debate goes on for now.
No comments:
Post a Comment