I admit it...

I am weak. Okay and I was finding myself upset and distressed earlier this week. So why can't I just woman up and wait it out. Well...I can't. Jeff and I agreed that I would take a home pregnancy test on Thursday or Friday. From what I read online this was a safe time frame. But I also read that it was a slim possibility to get a positive 5 days after transfer (Monday). So I decided to take one on Monday and told myself it wouldn't mean anything if it was negative. I woke up early that morning to Thor having a breathing attack (scared me to death) and after making sure he was okay snuck upstairs to have a date with my last HPT stick (the one I swore I wouldn't use unless there was a real chance). I forgot about the waiting time of three minutes and the initial time I looked at it there was nothing and I was a little upset but said it was okay and I would just try again another day. Then as I was standing there in the bathroom pumping myself up I looked at it again and saw the faintest of lines. Not where I imagined a line to appear in the tests I had taken before. After a minute it was more definite but still very light and I thought "huh...okay so that's where it's supposed to show up". Then I was excited and happy...false positives don't usually happen although it could still be chemical. I didn't want to tell Jeff when the result was so faint and not really sure. So I crawled back in bed and determined I would test again Tuesday morning and if that was darker I would tell him.

Well here is Tuesday's result:

I am definitely pregnant (at least for now). It still seems so unreal and hasn't sunk in. I brought the stick downstairs while Jeff was getting ready for work and told him I had a surprise for him and to close his eyes. He did and I put the test out in front of them and told him to open his eyes and announced I was pregnant. He was excited but we were both still in disbelief I think. We are so grateful that it seems to have worked the first time but we're also holding out for some beta results on Monday and hopefully an ultrasound after that. It has definitely got the gears in my head going though about things I've tried to stop thinking about: nursery, crib(s), how and when to tell family/friends and hoping to see our baby(ies) heartbeat(s) and all that. Here's hoping for an awesome beta on Monday.

Uncertain feelings...

I have been feeling confident with things until today. I've felt crampy and bloated since the transfer (all can be linked to the PIO) and soreness started before transfer with the shots so that was kinda nice in a weird way. Today I've been feeling like I don't feel any different than that and I've found it discouraging. I still hope that things work but I've felt worried and been emotional about it not. It's been fun to picture and talk with Jeff about the positive side of things. Then feelings like this come up and it feels like it's all going downhill. I said I wouldn't get nutty about the 2 week wait and I've been great until today. This sucks! Good thing school and work will be back on again tomorrow so that I'll have things to keep me busy.

Bed rest and the ever loving need for ANOTHER bathroom break...

So today is basically the second day of what I would call modified bed rest. I'm able to get up to eat or drink, shower or use the bathroom. Other than that I was told to be sitting/reclining or lying down the rest of the time and just take it easy. I've been trying to take a few different advices I've gotten: eating fresh pineapple, drinking gatorade and drinking about 96 oz. of water a day. All of which make it impossible to go more then an hour without going to the bathroom. I have to say I love water normally but I'm getting a little sick of drinking it continually. I am hoping that this is good for me and the embryos though. I've had very mild cramping and also hope this is a good sign. I'm looking forward to tomorrow when I can go about daily stuff and still just take it easy but not have to be so restrained with movement.

We don't go for a blood test until May 10th though but I'm thinking I will be testing early at home before then. Jeff and I both agree we want to do that, so that we can absolutely be together when we get the first results. Crossing my fingers...and oh wait...off to the bathroom again HAHA Hope that's not completely TMI.

Transfer Day

Things could not have gone better today. We got up early and did the PIO shot and then hung around in bed and talked. It was fun to start talking about the future possibility. The weather was rainy and we decided to leave a little early. We arrived pretty much right on time though so that was good. We saw someone we knew in the waiting area and quickly took seats facing the opposite direction, although we're pretty sure they saw us too. We both know each other's story though as I had talked to the wife once about our issue and she had talked about theirs (actually a very pleasant and understanding conversation). The nurse called us back though fairly quickly and that was good.


We were brought into the transfer room and they had a chair that looked like a recliner in it and some soft ambient music. They had me get ready and Jeff sat in the chair next to me. We waited for about a half hour and they came and told us the case before us was somewhat complicated and apologized for the delay. One of the songs I've become attached to during this (Collin Haye "Waiting for My Real Life to Begin") played over the speakers while we waited and for some reason it made me tear up and feel good about things too. Like I've said before I believe that music is meant to inspire us, comfort us and provide us with hope. I also believe that music is sometimes God's way of communicating with us and comforting us.


Dr H was in charge of the transfer and came in and talked to us about our embryos prior to the transfer. Of the 15 eggs that had fertilized and continued to divide there were 13 that had made it to day 5. Typical rate is about 50% so I was expecting around 7 to make it. We were both very surprised and felt very lucky it was so good. Dr H also went over the quality of the embryos with us. He told us that one of the embryos was the highest grade they gave and that they only saw one of these a year typically. Because of this and our situation with my only known issue being POF they actually recommended for us to only transfer the one embryo. He went over the stats of it working. It was about 50% with the one embryo and to transfer both was 65% with about 40% chance of twins (with at least a few frozen attempts left too). Jeff and I asked to talk about it alone and after we talked for a couple minutes we still felt better with making the most of our fresh transfer chance by transferring two. Dr H was happy with this and said it was perfectly good decision also. He counted out the embryos and other quality and had us sign a form that said we wanted to transfer two and he gave us a picture of the two highest quality ones they would be transferring. It was really neat and made me a little teary. Dr H then gave me two valium to take to relax during the procedure and then left again to prepare for our transfer and the nurse came in and situated me.


During the transfer they had a monitor on the wall so we could watch our embryos being loaded into the catheter that would be used to place them in my uterus. Jeff and I were able to hold hands and we were both smiling and happy. It was just a good feeling and excitement in the room. Once the transfer was over they had me lay reclined on the chair for a half hour and Jeff and I talked and held hands. Once we were ready to go home they brought a wheelchair in for me which I discovered I definitely needed once I stood up and was pretty dizzy from the valium. We drove home and I slept most of the way and then crashed on the couch. Here's to hoping the two embies feel like sticking around for a while.

National Infertility Awareness Week

April 24th to May 1st is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW). Resolve started Project IF to go along with this. Basically asking people experiencing infertility to post their "What IF..." questions and to spread the awareness of infertility. IF is the online abbreviation of infertility. Anyway I added a couple of "What IF...?" questions to their list. There were over 300 when I became aware of the project and added on...it was humbling, interesting and inspiring to read some of the questions. I continue thinking of what if's at times...like one that struck me today "What IF our spare bedroom never has any use beyond storage?" or "What IF there is always this big piece of me (infertility) that I don't share with others?". There really are so many questions that go through your mind during this process and realizing that even when you have children if you are that lucky (as my best friend from high school has told me) it doesn't solve the problem or make everything better (even though people around you expect it to). Anyway I just wanted to share this post and also a video from a blog that I follow. This girl is also a fellow woman diagnosed with POF around my age and some of the thoughts she has and has taken from the IF project. I really enjoyed it and hope you do too (pause or stop my music before starting) :

What IF? A Portrait of Infertility from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

My boyfriend called...

Better late then never and he was indeed a boy. Jeff and I were about to go grocery shopping for our dinner when the phone rang and that beautiful "restricted" phone number came up. I answered it and was given the run down on our eggs. They had actually retrieved 21 eggs from our donor and 20 were mature. Of those 20, 16 fertilized and of those 15 had divided and were looking good. I don't remember the odds I've read about from here...maybe 1/2 of those on average make it to day 5 (I think). I'm hoping for around 8 on Wednesday with a couple that look extra good. They do still plan on a day 5 transfer though so that is good. We should hear again on Tuesday and from there we'll set up an appointment for transfer. Two days left. Jeff and I are both excited and ready to go. I had no idea I could hope for something so badly.

On the only downside...I seem to breaking out a little from the progesterone in oil (PIO) shots. I've got 4 or 5 new pimples this week. Yeah! But the shots are still going well and haven't been an issue for me at all...no lumps, bruises or inability to move...only minor tenderness.

My boyfriend the embryologist...

or girlfriend (I'm not actually sure if they are male or female). All I know is that I had my cell phone on me all day long at work (which I'm not really supposed to do) waiting for their call and it was annoying and reminded me of when I was dating and waiting on a guy to call me. Retrieval day was yesterday and they called me and told me they retrieved 20 eggs (good...the range I was thinking it would be based on the donor's prior cycles). And then I wasn't expecting to hear anything else until Monday but then Nurse L told me that we should be getting a report from the embryologist tomorrow (Saturday). So then I was like sweet more news and where we're at with fertilization rate. However then there was no call in the morning, no call around lunchtime and in fact no call all day long...at all. It really pissed me off. I would rather them not tell me that someone is going to call and have it be a pleasant surprise then be told they will and be stressed and annoyed when it doesn't happen. I am putting it in my mind now that we won't be getting more information until Monday. I hope things are good.

I am definitely more worried now that it's really there. I kept thinking on Friday while I was at work that if we do have a child or children from this that they are currently being created and miles away from me...definitely not the way I thought it would happen but I hope that it still happens more than anything. I told Jeff about the thought of our kids being created and he laughed a little and said he had thought the same thing while he was at work too. Hopefully that's a good sign.